1 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,876 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams! 2 00:00:49,569 --> 00:00:50,594 Thank you! 3 00:00:55,193 --> 00:00:57,708 Oh, please! 4 00:00:58,998 --> 00:01:00,057 Sit the fuck down! 5 00:01:00,950 --> 00:01:02,075 Thank you! 6 00:01:02,968 --> 00:01:04,126 Thank you! 7 00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:06,740 Thank you! 8 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,553 Oh, yes! 9 00:01:09,587 --> 00:01:12,928 Oh, yes, my little salmon headed friend! 10 00:01:13,755 --> 00:01:15,839 That's it! Good night! Thank you very much! 11 00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:19,908 Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front. 12 00:01:20,074 --> 00:01:22,291 Let's have a cigarette, let's relax. 13 00:01:22,688 --> 00:01:26,162 We're here in New York, fucking New York! 14 00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:28,842 Yes! 15 00:01:30,364 --> 00:01:35,062 Obviously this is not gonna be your normal night of theater! 16 00:01:35,624 --> 00:01:38,535 This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on! 17 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,499 So that's the way you like it! 18 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,936 Welcome to my lovely set which is from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"! 19 00:01:46,737 --> 00:01:50,306 Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees! 20 00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:55,410 I'm over here! 21 00:01:55,444 --> 00:01:57,445 I'm down here! 22 00:01:58,147 --> 00:02:01,682 This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner, 23 00:02:01,716 --> 00:02:03,384 also owned by America On Line... 24 00:02:03,584 --> 00:02:05,585 "You've got mail". I hope you don't have stocks! 25 00:02:07,053 --> 00:02:08,387 Welcome! 26 00:02:09,555 --> 00:02:10,822 Don't be afraid! 27 00:02:12,525 --> 00:02:14,692 It was so reassuring the other day... 28 00:02:14,726 --> 00:02:17,662 George W. Bush talked to the stock market and... 29 00:02:19,130 --> 00:02:21,732 It must be him talking about business ethics 30 00:02:21,864 --> 00:02:23,864 it's kinda like having a leopard give you a facial. 31 00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:25,902 It doesn't really work! 32 00:02:27,837 --> 00:02:30,271 "A lot of our imports come from other countries". 33 00:02:30,305 --> 00:02:32,240 No shit?! 34 00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:36,277 Moving right along... 35 00:02:37,144 --> 00:02:39,880 Meanwhile, Michael is protesting... 36 00:02:43,983 --> 00:02:45,351 I don't know, baby... 37 00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:49,119 It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Lisa's wedding. 38 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,723 That for me was like, "You're pushing the term, my man"! 39 00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:57,427 That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting? 40 00:02:57,461 --> 00:03:00,897 - "What are you doing"? - "I'm the best man"! 41 00:03:01,231 --> 00:03:03,532 Now Michael is claiming racism. 42 00:03:03,599 --> 00:03:06,135 I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first". 43 00:03:12,774 --> 00:03:16,509 "What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves"? 44 00:03:16,542 --> 00:03:19,946 "Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for"? 45 00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:23,448 "You were Diana Ross. Now you've just left it all behind". 46 00:03:24,452 --> 00:03:29,257 Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced... 47 00:03:29,324 --> 00:03:33,093 And you spend more money than the Vatican. 48 00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:35,467 If you go to Neverland, it says 49 00:03:35,561 --> 00:03:38,030 "You must be this high to ride Michael". 50 00:03:45,269 --> 00:03:49,940 Obviously, people and the lawyers for HBO are going, "Fuck"! 51 00:03:50,107 --> 00:03:52,142 But how fucked up do you have to be 52 00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,910 for Al Sharpton to go, "I'm outta here, man"! 53 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,319 If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, 54 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,655 even rats are going, "Man, that guy's quick"! 55 00:04:08,822 --> 00:04:11,857 "From the Don King School of hair processing..." 56 00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:14,492 He's running for office in Idaho on the 57 00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:19,164 "What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected" ticket. 58 00:04:19,230 --> 00:04:22,266 Sorry, my lips just went, "What the fuck did you say"? 59 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,935 Couple of dyslexic people went, "Thank you, Robin"! 60 00:04:27,203 --> 00:04:28,203 "Thank you"! 61 00:04:28,670 --> 00:04:30,972 We were worried about the pledge of allegiance. 62 00:04:31,139 --> 00:04:32,908 We were gonna say "One nation under dog"! 63 00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:34,976 It's OK. 64 00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:37,444 I know people are going "I've got a cure for this"! 65 00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,548 "One nation under Canada, above Mexico". 66 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:43,969 But then you have to the whole... 67 00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:47,829 There's anthems like "Someone bless America"! 68 00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:50,923 On the dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust", 69 00:04:51,055 --> 00:04:53,324 "In Gates We Trust"! 70 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:55,885 "Mr. Gates, when did you realize you are creating monopoly"? 71 00:04:56,052 --> 00:04:57,452 "Monopoly is just a game, senator". 72 00:04:57,476 --> 00:04:59,718 "I'm trying to control the fucking world". 73 00:05:00,597 --> 00:05:03,667 Don't you see Windows Millennium? 74 00:05:03,799 --> 00:05:05,601 It's all leading to Information Technology. 75 00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:08,504 Soon it will be Total Information Technology, "TIT". 76 00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:13,441 And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard. 77 00:05:14,541 --> 00:05:15,942 Don't be afraid! 78 00:05:16,845 --> 00:05:19,045 It's a nice day in New York, my people. 79 00:05:19,078 --> 00:05:23,082 NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go! 80 00:05:24,716 --> 00:05:27,818 Stop! OK, go on again! 81 00:05:29,053 --> 00:05:31,856 You're it! Get the fuck outta here! 82 00:05:32,757 --> 00:05:36,493 I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like "are you OK"? 83 00:05:36,692 --> 00:05:40,562 People's back to being new-yorkers like "Have a nice day, asshole"! 84 00:05:41,163 --> 00:05:43,598 "Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day"! 85 00:05:44,465 --> 00:05:47,869 But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this NY is 86 00:05:47,935 --> 00:05:50,771 that the ladies take the twins for a walk! 87 00:05:50,804 --> 00:05:53,640 Oh, yeah, the tities are out today! 88 00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:59,545 On a hot day all the tities are out there. And like God made them go... 89 00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:03,915 Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes and women running, they are going... 90 00:06:04,983 --> 00:06:08,086 And then they hit a breeze and "chicken's done"! 91 00:06:09,387 --> 00:06:11,754 Yes! Yeah, baby! 92 00:06:13,321 --> 00:06:14,761 These are not like the tits in Vegas, 93 00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:17,426 where even God goes "I didn't make those"! 94 00:06:19,728 --> 00:06:21,929 Weird tits. You know fake tits are like Nazis. 95 00:06:22,063 --> 00:06:24,098 They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just... 96 00:06:25,698 --> 00:06:27,600 "I'm walking here"! 97 00:06:27,901 --> 00:06:30,836 I've seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there. 98 00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:38,376 Babies, lucky they don't have any teeth because they'd knock them out. 99 00:06:38,643 --> 00:06:40,411 I've seen tits that are really bad, 100 00:06:40,544 --> 00:06:43,146 like they had the nipples on the top, it looked like Kilroy. 101 00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:53,989 When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like... 102 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,892 "I'm so scared, but I can't express it". 103 00:07:01,195 --> 00:07:04,097 These are the ladies who've had so much surgery, they're going 104 00:07:04,231 --> 00:07:05,671 "What are these lumps under my eyes"? 105 00:07:05,695 --> 00:07:07,496 "Those are your tits, madam"! 106 00:07:09,234 --> 00:07:12,537 - And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski! 107 00:07:13,637 --> 00:07:16,906 This is good news for you. 108 00:07:17,376 --> 00:07:20,410 And girls getting Botox injections...? 109 00:07:20,678 --> 00:07:25,314 - Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no expression. 110 00:07:25,981 --> 00:07:28,984 You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful. 111 00:07:30,386 --> 00:07:36,523 When guys say to you "Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, OK"? 112 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,792 "Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man". 113 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,994 And you say "OK, daddy man"! 114 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:45,765 "Then I want you to get your balls done for me, OK"? 115 00:07:46,931 --> 00:07:49,933 I want you to get those big old basket balls. 116 00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:53,870 So when you do the Baywatch thing, it's like... 117 00:07:54,905 --> 00:07:59,708 Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny. 118 00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:04,545 So you go to the doctor... 119 00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:10,484 Payback's a bitch! Go for it, girls! 120 00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:14,686 Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre. 121 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:20,358 Temperatures were like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was fucking weird! 122 00:08:20,425 --> 00:08:21,927 The weathermen are going, 123 00:08:22,027 --> 00:08:24,327 "I don't fucking know what's going on"! 124 00:08:25,063 --> 00:08:27,597 "Let's just see what happens". 125 00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:31,568 Flowers were like Anne Heche going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..." 126 00:08:33,369 --> 00:08:35,236 "I don't know where to go"! 127 00:08:41,975 --> 00:08:46,580 George came back from Japan, he went "I went to the Coyote Conference" 128 00:08:46,647 --> 00:08:49,716 - No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car. 129 00:08:50,483 --> 00:08:53,018 George, walk away. 130 00:08:54,019 --> 00:08:55,579 And they say there's no global warming, 131 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,872 but right now the North Pole is a pool. 132 00:08:58,056 --> 00:09:03,226 It is beyond global warming, at this point it is cooking. 133 00:09:03,494 --> 00:09:06,031 It's 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going, 134 00:09:06,193 --> 00:09:08,231 "Is it hot enough for you"? 135 00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:12,735 "No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagara". 136 00:09:14,036 --> 00:09:18,004 "I like my old man tities to lactate, my man". 137 00:09:18,506 --> 00:09:23,009 You see people in shorts and you're going "Please, don't wear those"! 138 00:09:23,609 --> 00:09:25,945 "Oh please, don't put those on"! 139 00:09:26,413 --> 00:09:28,253 If you go to South West Airline they're going, 140 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,913 "Sorry, you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged". 141 00:09:32,383 --> 00:09:35,987 Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats. 142 00:09:36,153 --> 00:09:38,222 The problem is that they are not together. 143 00:09:41,325 --> 00:09:44,160 And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack. 144 00:09:44,326 --> 00:09:47,195 People don't mind now. We're working our way through. 145 00:09:47,396 --> 00:09:49,364 All over the country you've got weird things. 146 00:09:49,531 --> 00:09:51,832 In Houston they got Enron field. 147 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:55,002 "We were gonna call it 5th Amendment field but fuck..." 148 00:09:56,003 --> 00:09:58,904 We can't call it "We're fucked field"! 149 00:09:59,205 --> 00:10:02,907 "Arthur Anderson put in the chairs, they spin both ways". 150 00:10:04,075 --> 00:10:08,545 And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's bitch. 151 00:10:10,114 --> 00:10:12,283 No! 152 00:10:13,518 --> 00:10:15,018 Say it ain't so! 153 00:10:15,952 --> 00:10:18,822 I like to consider it more like "severe companion". 154 00:10:19,922 --> 00:10:23,591 If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space", 155 00:10:23,758 --> 00:10:28,696 use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. 156 00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:33,199 Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. 157 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:39,304 The first time she has lunch going "You call this keesh"? 158 00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:43,275 Shut up, bitch! You're inside now, you're mine! 159 00:10:47,078 --> 00:10:51,447 All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis, to Graceland. 160 00:10:51,514 --> 00:10:54,850 I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license. 161 00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:56,518 They're some severe... 162 00:10:56,651 --> 00:11:00,388 They're colours there that have never seen daylight. 163 00:11:00,789 --> 00:11:03,657 I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like 164 00:11:03,824 --> 00:11:08,928 "Take your finger outta my ass, cause I'm leaving you behind"! 165 00:11:09,762 --> 00:11:14,533 Funny ass shit people do now. I'm sweatin' like crazy up here. 166 00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:17,736 It's HBO, cause it's live. 167 00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:24,341 People playing baseball. You've got a good seat. 168 00:11:24,507 --> 00:11:26,308 Yankees are kicking again, way to go! 169 00:11:30,846 --> 00:11:32,947 You did a good job. It came through. 170 00:11:33,081 --> 00:11:36,784 Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. 171 00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:39,586 Here's one quick way you tell 172 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,523 on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows. 173 00:11:43,691 --> 00:11:45,091 So if someone steps up to the plate 174 00:11:45,157 --> 00:11:48,028 with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, "You're out"! 175 00:11:49,928 --> 00:11:52,031 Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him 176 00:11:52,197 --> 00:11:54,077 and when they do it, they're trying to kill him. 177 00:11:54,101 --> 00:11:56,335 He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball. 178 00:11:57,434 --> 00:12:00,070 For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan. 179 00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:03,073 It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. 180 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,275 Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, 181 00:12:06,442 --> 00:12:08,977 Christians will get Christmas and Easter 182 00:12:09,010 --> 00:12:12,313 and Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. 183 00:12:14,715 --> 00:12:18,951 Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, fuck off"! 184 00:12:19,118 --> 00:12:21,019 "What are you doing, you asshole"! 185 00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,991 I'm very excited because this is my time 186 00:12:26,158 --> 00:12:28,893 when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man. 187 00:12:29,061 --> 00:12:30,761 I saw world cup, baby. 188 00:12:30,928 --> 00:12:33,730 There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going 189 00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:36,866 "Uh, that's like football without pads, right"? 190 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,134 For the rest of the world, it's football. 191 00:12:39,269 --> 00:12:42,203 For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people". 192 00:12:43,104 --> 00:12:45,506 We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it. 193 00:12:45,573 --> 00:12:48,576 Not like the World Series, cause the French don't have a baseball team. 194 00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:52,746 If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe. 195 00:12:52,879 --> 00:12:55,281 You know what I'm saying? 196 00:12:55,682 --> 00:13:00,052 What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alors! 197 00:13:02,654 --> 00:13:07,024 The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out! 198 00:13:07,091 --> 00:13:10,160 We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care! 199 00:13:11,261 --> 00:13:15,131 My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour Du France. 200 00:13:15,297 --> 00:13:18,633 And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals". 201 00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:21,836 "It's chemotherapy, you little toad sucker". 202 00:13:22,938 --> 00:13:26,140 Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. 203 00:13:27,475 --> 00:13:30,242 Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker, do it! 204 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,578 Don't be afraid. 205 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:38,082 When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it. 206 00:13:38,216 --> 00:13:41,619 We made it to the sixteen, baby! 207 00:13:44,621 --> 00:13:49,426 We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category. 208 00:13:50,092 --> 00:13:53,396 They used to see us coming "Give it to them, they're damaged people"! 209 00:13:53,896 --> 00:13:58,932 Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I shoot the ball! 210 00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:04,337 Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like... 211 00:14:05,705 --> 00:14:08,374 And the fans are like... 212 00:14:09,241 --> 00:14:12,310 Brazilians are going "Look, I'm playing soccer..." 213 00:14:12,377 --> 00:14:15,079 "Look, I'm scoring"! 214 00:14:15,112 --> 00:14:17,982 "And now I'm kicking the ball". 215 00:14:18,348 --> 00:14:23,186 Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive aggressive though. 216 00:14:23,553 --> 00:14:27,356 I didn't do anything... What are you looking at? 217 00:14:27,389 --> 00:14:29,069 It's not like hockey, when someone comes up 218 00:14:29,093 --> 00:14:30,774 with a stick and goes "Bang, motherfucker"! 219 00:14:30,798 --> 00:14:32,933 That's why there are no Spanish hockey players. 220 00:14:33,026 --> 00:14:35,128 When a white guy takes a stick and goes... 221 00:14:35,629 --> 00:14:37,831 "Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you off now"! 222 00:14:38,632 --> 00:14:42,935 "And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, motherfucker"! 223 00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,104 "Coming in there! Goddammit"! 224 00:14:46,405 --> 00:14:51,442 Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and pretend like... 225 00:14:51,575 --> 00:14:57,548 "I've been killed... I've been blinded..." 226 00:14:58,348 --> 00:15:03,619 "There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding"! 227 00:15:04,519 --> 00:15:07,388 And the referee comes over, "Yellow card"! 228 00:15:08,322 --> 00:15:10,625 Two yellow cards, "Red card"! 229 00:15:11,024 --> 00:15:14,227 Hold on, three cards, "Green card"! 230 00:15:15,427 --> 00:15:17,162 And the referee is so sweet, too. 231 00:15:19,398 --> 00:15:23,635 "What's your name? Turn around". 232 00:15:27,005 --> 00:15:29,439 "Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game"? 233 00:15:33,209 --> 00:15:38,379 Not like football referees who have that "too much commercial time"! 234 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,649 Mad white man dancing on the field! 235 00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,020 Moving away. Moving away. 236 00:15:49,022 --> 00:15:52,057 In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing, 237 00:15:52,191 --> 00:15:53,431 someone may have been paid off. 238 00:15:53,725 --> 00:15:55,861 Oh, shit, say it ain't so! 239 00:15:56,428 --> 00:16:00,430 You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off! 240 00:16:02,599 --> 00:16:05,068 There's a game mafia! 241 00:16:09,138 --> 00:16:12,574 The mov-hand! 242 00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:18,446 Fairy Godfather, "Does this pistol make my ass look big"? 243 00:16:20,481 --> 00:16:24,151 If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do, "Love ya"! 244 00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:27,954 "Love you"! "Hey, love you"! 245 00:16:35,492 --> 00:16:41,131 The worst refereeing was in the Winter Olympics with the French judge. 246 00:16:41,264 --> 00:16:43,198 Once again, the French fuck with us! 247 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:48,502 The Canadians, they skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh"! 248 00:16:48,704 --> 00:16:51,473 And then the Russians they come and fuck up 249 00:16:51,639 --> 00:16:56,076 and the French judge went, "How lifelike, they fucked up, I give it to them, eh"? 250 00:16:56,476 --> 00:17:00,113 At that point I'm going "Where is Tanya Harding when you need her"? 251 00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:05,150 Tanya would've been on that judge like shit on Velcro. 252 00:17:05,184 --> 00:17:09,120 "Give me that medal, you French whore"! 253 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,358 "I won"! 254 00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:17,394 Instead we get to see Tanya fight Paula Jones 255 00:17:17,526 --> 00:17:19,862 in an all white trash weekend. 256 00:17:22,632 --> 00:17:25,000 Trailer park Tuesday! 257 00:17:25,268 --> 00:17:31,137 Tanya went right for the nose, "Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"! 258 00:17:31,939 --> 00:17:35,241 Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fights John Wayne Bobbit. 259 00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:38,310 There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend. 260 00:17:39,011 --> 00:17:43,181 "Fuck, man, give that back! My balls are in the front row"! 261 00:17:43,781 --> 00:17:47,919 What's next? "The Nixon daughters battle for the library money". 262 00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:51,588 "Be there as my bitches go at it"! 263 00:17:51,888 --> 00:17:53,368 At this point, even Caligula is going, 264 00:17:53,423 --> 00:17:56,158 "What the fuck are you people doing"? 265 00:17:56,293 --> 00:17:58,260 Why don't you have Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef 266 00:17:58,394 --> 00:18:00,461 just kick out the jams? 267 00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:04,432 Cause we've got The Chamber, The Chair, Fear Factor. 268 00:18:04,566 --> 00:18:07,834 People in Texas are going "We got those shows". 269 00:18:09,102 --> 00:18:12,506 "We just don't film'em". 270 00:18:12,539 --> 00:18:17,142 Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. 271 00:18:17,174 --> 00:18:20,211 People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun now"? 272 00:18:21,111 --> 00:18:23,947 Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week. 273 00:18:24,081 --> 00:18:26,583 It was like, "Go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy". 274 00:18:32,521 --> 00:18:36,425 And I know the definition of "retarded" in Texas is pretty wide. 275 00:18:43,196 --> 00:18:44,531 It's crazy! 276 00:18:50,036 --> 00:18:53,437 Even the Taliban is going "You are crazy motherfuckers"! 277 00:18:53,805 --> 00:18:56,605 There was a guy with one leg. They weren't gonna give him a wodden leg. 278 00:18:56,629 --> 00:18:58,899 He was gonna be dead man hopping. 279 00:19:01,845 --> 00:19:05,181 There is a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection, 280 00:19:05,314 --> 00:19:07,516 they do an alcohol swab, which is so nice! 281 00:19:11,486 --> 00:19:12,920 "What the fuck are you doing"? 282 00:19:13,955 --> 00:19:18,157 "We don't want you to get that last-second infection"! 283 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,060 "It's all safe now". 284 00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:26,932 You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place! 285 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:29,934 What, was Amish country booked, what happened? 286 00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:34,805 "Come on down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's 1955". 287 00:19:35,238 --> 00:19:38,608 "Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down"! 288 00:19:39,008 --> 00:19:41,076 At the closing ceremony they introduced 289 00:19:41,244 --> 00:19:44,045 Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah. 290 00:19:45,213 --> 00:19:51,251 I went "Uh-uh, honey, no! They're only a couple in Arkansas". 291 00:19:55,354 --> 00:19:59,992 If you're going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. 292 00:20:00,592 --> 00:20:04,929 Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him. 293 00:20:06,531 --> 00:20:07,865 We're at the Olympics once again, 294 00:20:07,997 --> 00:20:10,968 we're talking about the figure skating. 295 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,670 I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy. 296 00:20:14,203 --> 00:20:17,439 Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good. 297 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,676 There's that pairs figure skating. There's that one very special lift. 298 00:20:21,709 --> 00:20:23,778 Where the male skater goes... 299 00:20:24,477 --> 00:20:25,880 Right here! 300 00:20:26,179 --> 00:20:29,616 Where even a gynecologist would go "Put on a glove, man"! 301 00:20:29,982 --> 00:20:33,619 Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? 302 00:20:36,088 --> 00:20:37,608 And I'm going "Let's cut the foreplay," 303 00:20:37,632 --> 00:20:39,766 "let's have ice fucking, come on"! 304 00:20:53,736 --> 00:20:58,240 And she holds on without her hands! 305 00:21:14,718 --> 00:21:18,389 Even the French judge would go "I like it"! 306 00:21:18,556 --> 00:21:22,792 "I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians"! 307 00:21:22,826 --> 00:21:24,927 "So fabulous"! 308 00:21:25,629 --> 00:21:29,264 There's other kinda sexual things in the Olympics, there's the luge, 309 00:21:29,431 --> 00:21:30,911 about which I have only one question. 310 00:21:30,935 --> 00:21:35,204 What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? 311 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,740 "You know what? I want to dress like a sperm," 312 00:21:39,907 --> 00:21:43,776 "shove an ice skate in my ass," 313 00:21:43,809 --> 00:21:47,312 "and go balls first down an ice chute". 314 00:21:47,745 --> 00:21:50,615 "Ya! That would be fun". 315 00:21:52,483 --> 00:21:55,052 No! This is for pussies! 316 00:21:55,552 --> 00:21:57,987 - How will you stir? - I will do kegels! 317 00:21:59,222 --> 00:22:02,056 "I will flex my ass and go down the ramp"! 318 00:22:03,659 --> 00:22:06,528 And do not talk to me about the two men luge. 319 00:22:06,694 --> 00:22:08,863 I'm saying "Boys, get a room"! 320 00:22:08,896 --> 00:22:12,165 "Make that turn, you bastard, make it"! 321 00:22:12,333 --> 00:22:14,902 "Hard right, you fucker, hard right"! 322 00:22:15,569 --> 00:22:20,639 Pour guy gets to the end of the run "I got wood man, I'm sorry"! 323 00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:22,508 "You cost us the race"! 324 00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:25,810 "Your penis going frrrt to 200 of a second winds resistance"! 325 00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:29,013 "We could've won if you weren't going brrring"! 326 00:22:29,412 --> 00:22:31,048 "Dolphin boy"! 327 00:22:34,684 --> 00:22:37,085 There's always some horrible drug scandal. 328 00:22:37,118 --> 00:22:39,554 This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor... 329 00:22:39,621 --> 00:22:40,888 Skilor, which is like a skier. 330 00:22:42,357 --> 00:22:45,492 - Are you a skilor? - Yes! 331 00:22:47,294 --> 00:22:52,297 They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug. 332 00:22:52,331 --> 00:22:55,300 Like an elephant growth hormone. 333 00:22:55,434 --> 00:22:57,869 "Are you on some sort of drug"? 334 00:22:59,871 --> 00:23:02,405 "Are you taking an animal tranquilizer"? 335 00:23:04,775 --> 00:23:10,513 And they didn't bother drug testing the snowboarders. 336 00:23:11,146 --> 00:23:13,883 "Go, go my little boys, have fun"! 337 00:23:15,017 --> 00:23:18,319 I guess they realized the word "half pipe" meant something. 338 00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,089 Remember the kid who won the gold medal? 339 00:23:23,222 --> 00:23:24,892 He was in freestyle. 340 00:23:24,925 --> 00:23:30,195 - You wanna be on a box of Whities? - No. Count Chocula. 341 00:23:30,228 --> 00:23:32,464 A-ha! A clue, Sherlock! 342 00:23:33,598 --> 00:23:36,099 The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, 343 00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:38,936 they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, 344 00:23:39,036 --> 00:23:40,476 which is kinda redundant number one. 345 00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:45,604 Number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug". 346 00:23:49,310 --> 00:23:53,382 Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, 347 00:23:53,448 --> 00:23:56,049 but you are certainly not fucking empowered. 348 00:23:57,417 --> 00:24:01,154 When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. 349 00:24:01,954 --> 00:24:04,023 The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is 350 00:24:04,156 --> 00:24:06,476 if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. 351 00:24:08,928 --> 00:24:10,961 Then you'll be like... 352 00:24:12,897 --> 00:24:16,632 Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there"! 353 00:24:16,999 --> 00:24:19,268 Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back 354 00:24:19,435 --> 00:24:22,104 and he couldn't find it. It was around his fucking neck! 355 00:24:22,871 --> 00:24:25,940 Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh? 356 00:24:26,507 --> 00:24:28,310 They have weird sports like the Biathlon 357 00:24:28,443 --> 00:24:30,544 which is like Norwegian drive-by. 358 00:24:33,279 --> 00:24:34,681 "Get the TV, Hans"! 359 00:24:37,250 --> 00:24:41,720 The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. 360 00:24:41,887 --> 00:24:46,757 God bless you Canadian people. 361 00:24:46,791 --> 00:24:49,093 You're so fucking nice, eh? 362 00:24:49,826 --> 00:24:52,629 It's your only fucking sport, come on! 363 00:24:53,996 --> 00:24:55,698 That and a mutant form of football. 364 00:24:55,865 --> 00:24:57,505 "We've got 13 men, we have a longer field" 365 00:24:57,529 --> 00:24:59,231 "No, you have fun, enjoy"! 366 00:25:01,169 --> 00:25:04,905 Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party. 367 00:25:08,408 --> 00:25:10,743 "Keep it down, eh"? 368 00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:17,949 "We are nice. We have Jean Chretien, our great prime minister". 369 00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:21,219 He was the only man in the world who said, "I don't need no secret service" 370 00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:23,888 "If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out, eh"? 371 00:25:24,220 --> 00:25:27,991 "I'm Jean Chretien which versus your president, who's a cretin". 372 00:25:28,190 --> 00:25:32,094 Quebec keeps wanting to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency. 373 00:25:32,928 --> 00:25:34,488 It's like a kid moving out of the house, 374 00:25:34,512 --> 00:25:36,714 - But I still would like to get money. - Fuck off you! 375 00:25:38,266 --> 00:25:41,569 Canadian money is also called the Looney. 376 00:25:41,735 --> 00:25:44,436 How can you take an economic crisis seriously? 377 00:25:46,039 --> 00:25:49,141 - The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you! 378 00:25:49,807 --> 00:25:50,975 What are you saying, eh? 379 00:25:52,177 --> 00:25:56,514 Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight. 380 00:25:56,780 --> 00:25:58,300 "Security was amazing at the Olympics". 381 00:25:58,449 --> 00:26:01,250 Utah's the whitest fucking State in the Union! 382 00:26:02,051 --> 00:26:06,022 An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice! 383 00:26:10,125 --> 00:26:15,663 - We found one! - He's just tanned. Everybody off! 384 00:26:15,863 --> 00:26:19,099 The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere. 385 00:26:19,233 --> 00:26:20,913 All the dogs looking for anthrax were going 386 00:26:23,136 --> 00:26:24,937 "You go, man, you go"! 387 00:26:25,370 --> 00:26:27,639 Pour dogs they looked for anthrax and cocain. 388 00:26:27,738 --> 00:26:29,640 In the cage at the end of the day they're going 389 00:26:29,807 --> 00:26:32,609 "I can't taste my ass, I don't know why..." 390 00:26:35,178 --> 00:26:37,012 "It's my tail"! 391 00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:40,749 Meanwhile your cat sits over there going 392 00:26:40,916 --> 00:26:43,152 "You're still an asshole, you know that". 393 00:26:43,985 --> 00:26:47,154 Is it me, or are cats drag queens? 394 00:26:47,555 --> 00:26:49,423 The way they kinda go "Who loves Kitty"? 395 00:26:54,293 --> 00:26:55,627 "Are these your shoes"? 396 00:26:58,230 --> 00:27:00,533 Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty? 397 00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:04,102 Male cats have that amazing thing, 398 00:27:04,202 --> 00:27:06,704 where they kinda walk around going "That's mine"! 399 00:27:09,073 --> 00:27:11,407 "Mine"! 400 00:27:12,342 --> 00:27:14,409 "I like that too". 401 00:27:14,911 --> 00:27:17,279 Thank God men aren't like that! 402 00:27:17,313 --> 00:27:20,682 "Nice car, Bob. Mine now"! 403 00:27:21,649 --> 00:27:25,086 - What are you doing? - Just shopping! 404 00:27:38,863 --> 00:27:40,865 The whole anthrax thing had people going... 405 00:27:40,998 --> 00:27:43,534 They said "Don't open your mail"! 406 00:27:44,301 --> 00:27:47,270 - Why? - There's white powder in envelopes. 407 00:27:47,703 --> 00:27:49,973 "Really"!? 408 00:27:51,274 --> 00:27:53,754 "Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes"! 409 00:27:53,874 --> 00:27:56,178 "We weren't on-line. We did lines, my friend". 410 00:27:57,211 --> 00:28:00,281 "And there were ninjas on the fucking lawn, trying to kill us"! 411 00:28:02,082 --> 00:28:04,185 And now, there are people trying to kill us. 412 00:28:04,384 --> 00:28:06,152 And that's why I bought a gas mask. 413 00:28:06,619 --> 00:28:11,990 I can't even get a condom on when I want to! 414 00:28:12,090 --> 00:28:17,728 "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on". 415 00:28:21,064 --> 00:28:22,933 "I'll be right with you, honey". 416 00:28:22,966 --> 00:28:27,102 "Don't go away on me now". 417 00:28:31,004 --> 00:28:32,874 You're playing "Beat the cock". 418 00:28:34,308 --> 00:28:37,044 "I got it, I got it"! 419 00:28:39,812 --> 00:28:43,382 There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit... 420 00:28:44,182 --> 00:28:45,862 "I don't think we're going in today, Pete". 421 00:28:47,352 --> 00:28:49,053 "We didn't make the deadline". 422 00:28:58,428 --> 00:29:03,198 Remember when they sent anthrax to Tom Daschle's office? 423 00:29:03,599 --> 00:29:05,166 And they cleared that fucking place out. 424 00:29:05,467 --> 00:29:08,708 "Everybody out, come on"! Helmets, suits, they're all leaving. 425 00:29:08,733 --> 00:29:10,996 And when the Congressman walked out they go 426 00:29:11,104 --> 00:29:14,207 "But the rest of you, go about your lives". 427 00:29:14,940 --> 00:29:16,576 "Everything is perfectly OK". 428 00:29:17,209 --> 00:29:19,378 "We'll be miles away". 429 00:29:19,511 --> 00:29:21,192 It's like when you go to the dentist and 430 00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:22,938 he puts a little lead bib over your balls. 431 00:29:22,981 --> 00:29:26,784 He walks behind concrete, going "You'll be fine"! 432 00:29:31,155 --> 00:29:32,755 How can you tell if Congress was sick? 433 00:29:32,890 --> 00:29:35,291 It's night of the living dead anyway. 434 00:29:35,558 --> 00:29:38,561 All those old senators going 435 00:29:38,694 --> 00:29:42,263 "The confederate flag is just the symbol of state's rights". 436 00:29:42,396 --> 00:29:45,833 Yeah, and the swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm. 437 00:29:50,336 --> 00:29:52,671 When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? 438 00:29:54,473 --> 00:29:56,440 He's huge! 439 00:29:56,842 --> 00:30:00,111 You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's day float, come on! 440 00:30:00,478 --> 00:30:03,647 Bring him down. We're voting! 441 00:30:04,347 --> 00:30:08,418 Step away, boy. "I said no to the Crispy Cream". 442 00:30:09,852 --> 00:30:13,288 Congress recently approved the covert plan 443 00:30:13,421 --> 00:30:16,191 to assassinate Saddam Hussein. 444 00:30:18,827 --> 00:30:22,062 So what they've done, is publicly approve 445 00:30:22,196 --> 00:30:25,164 the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. 446 00:30:26,132 --> 00:30:28,366 I wonder if he knows? 447 00:30:30,802 --> 00:30:36,240 I know there's a cure for bio terrorism that they sent at us. 448 00:30:37,641 --> 00:30:40,743 And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. 449 00:30:41,478 --> 00:30:43,198 He is the only man on the planet who can go, 450 00:30:43,222 --> 00:30:47,491 "Anthrax? All right..." 451 00:30:50,085 --> 00:30:53,754 "Doesn't go with my ecola, but fuck"! 452 00:30:55,089 --> 00:30:59,526 Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. 453 00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:06,198 I've seen him go to a drug dealer who said "I'm out, man"! 454 00:31:06,331 --> 00:31:07,765 "I have nothing left". 455 00:31:08,166 --> 00:31:10,535 Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. 456 00:31:10,668 --> 00:31:14,104 Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolet, all of it. 457 00:31:14,237 --> 00:31:17,174 I just wanna know who gets his blood? 458 00:31:17,307 --> 00:31:18,475 Some old Swiss man's going, 459 00:31:18,608 --> 00:31:22,577 "Heidi! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch"! 460 00:31:23,311 --> 00:31:26,314 "We've gotta pay for mixed babies". 461 00:31:28,015 --> 00:31:30,718 We may all be dead and gone, 462 00:31:30,851 --> 00:31:34,420 Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. 463 00:31:34,789 --> 00:31:37,791 Keith'll go, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that"? 464 00:31:39,192 --> 00:31:41,493 "Fucking crazy..." 465 00:31:42,594 --> 00:31:46,497 Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, 466 00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,900 "I don't know where. I don't know when". 467 00:31:51,201 --> 00:31:54,171 "But something awful's going to happen". 468 00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:58,206 "Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions". 469 00:31:58,339 --> 00:32:00,942 Excuse me, can you give me a clue? 470 00:32:00,975 --> 00:32:04,211 What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now? 471 00:32:04,978 --> 00:32:07,514 Are you working with Miss Cleo? 472 00:32:10,650 --> 00:32:13,286 "I don't know where, I don't know when," 473 00:32:13,418 --> 00:32:15,686 "but somethin' awful's gonna happen"! 474 00:32:16,488 --> 00:32:18,128 "And definitely don't marry that fat man". 475 00:32:18,152 --> 00:32:19,920 "He only wants you for your money, girl"! 476 00:32:20,991 --> 00:32:24,861 People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went "Fucking duh"! 477 00:32:26,229 --> 00:32:31,300 What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, "A-ha"! 478 00:32:31,999 --> 00:32:35,503 If she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number? 479 00:32:36,838 --> 00:32:39,140 Number two, that fake Jamaican accent? 480 00:32:39,273 --> 00:32:41,776 If she was a real psychic, 481 00:32:41,809 --> 00:32:45,745 she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics going, "You gonna die"! 482 00:32:46,145 --> 00:32:47,546 "They have to puck your ass up" 483 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,115 "so they can pull a place for your bike, come on now"! 484 00:32:50,516 --> 00:32:53,118 It's like buying hair care products from Cher. 485 00:32:53,251 --> 00:32:55,487 She's wearing a wig, you idiot! 486 00:32:56,220 --> 00:32:59,456 Take that abdominal thing... "Help you lose weight" 487 00:32:59,590 --> 00:33:03,159 "while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV". 488 00:33:03,359 --> 00:33:07,763 "I'm getting six-pack abs by knocking my testicles around"! 489 00:33:08,330 --> 00:33:10,499 You strap that to your head. 490 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:15,935 And say, "I will not buy stupid shit for no reason"! 491 00:33:25,500 --> 00:33:27,293 Now we are in troubled times. 492 00:33:27,327 --> 00:33:29,948 When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. 493 00:33:29,981 --> 00:33:31,806 Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," 494 00:33:31,939 --> 00:33:34,579 it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me"? 495 00:33:35,191 --> 00:33:39,640 There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel.. 496 00:33:40,105 --> 00:33:43,259 In Washington they had F-18s flying, air cover everywhere. 497 00:33:43,358 --> 00:33:46,313 In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. 498 00:33:46,976 --> 00:33:50,361 At Golden Gate Bridge there's a Hummer, and I'm talking about the car. 499 00:33:54,874 --> 00:33:59,323 One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge. 500 00:33:59,788 --> 00:34:02,028 The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen 501 00:34:02,052 --> 00:34:03,473 are in jungle camouflage. 502 00:34:03,871 --> 00:34:08,118 For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange. 503 00:34:08,585 --> 00:34:12,833 So I feel like going "Be vewy, vewy quiet". 504 00:34:13,629 --> 00:34:17,778 "We're wooking for tewwowists". 505 00:34:22,194 --> 00:34:24,816 Airport security, before all this happened it was like, 506 00:34:24,948 --> 00:34:27,471 "Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on". 507 00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:32,251 "What's that? Oh, that's a gun. OK, get on the plane". 508 00:34:33,048 --> 00:34:36,499 You could carry a four inch blade, that's about that long. 509 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:40,990 Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. 510 00:34:41,290 --> 00:34:43,010 Are they afraid you're gonna go "All right"! 511 00:34:44,215 --> 00:34:48,602 "Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle". 512 00:34:48,736 --> 00:34:53,089 "I have a nail file. I can be irritating". 513 00:34:53,289 --> 00:34:56,844 And if you have a steak or any piece of meat, they won't give you a knife. 514 00:34:57,144 --> 00:34:59,237 So it's like "Quest for Fire" flight. 515 00:35:06,717 --> 00:35:09,342 "Sir, you're making a lot of noise". 516 00:35:09,975 --> 00:35:13,265 The Hindu man in the back is going "Hold the bowl higher". 517 00:35:14,062 --> 00:35:16,356 "Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands." 518 00:35:17,884 --> 00:35:21,907 Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector 519 00:35:21,940 --> 00:35:24,221 and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends... 520 00:35:25,397 --> 00:35:26,794 "Take out your keys, sir". 521 00:35:27,057 --> 00:35:29,154 "Tip of the iceberg". 522 00:35:37,629 --> 00:35:42,383 For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. 523 00:35:42,748 --> 00:35:44,575 I'm sure that was his last wish. 524 00:35:45,307 --> 00:35:47,966 I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying". 525 00:35:48,895 --> 00:35:51,988 "I want you to name a museum, a performance hall" 526 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,514 "and a bolt through the cock after me". 527 00:35:54,614 --> 00:35:58,037 "That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling". 528 00:35:58,834 --> 00:36:02,923 "Sell little thongs to people like they had little anal floss". 529 00:36:03,689 --> 00:36:05,449 And I'm talking heavily pierced. 530 00:36:05,516 --> 00:36:07,377 Not like Britney Spears "I'm a virgin"! 531 00:36:07,477 --> 00:36:09,902 Yeah and Michael Jackson is a father. Move on! 532 00:36:10,702 --> 00:36:12,628 I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple. 533 00:36:12,663 --> 00:36:15,155 You know, lady... I'm guessing! 534 00:36:19,242 --> 00:36:24,029 Just kinda the way your clothes are going... 535 00:36:24,297 --> 00:36:28,683 When you have a big hoop, what you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No! 536 00:36:29,046 --> 00:36:32,870 Or you have two. He's and her's towels, whatever you want! 537 00:36:33,436 --> 00:36:35,497 A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun! 538 00:36:36,095 --> 00:36:39,618 It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. 539 00:36:39,851 --> 00:36:41,080 Why did you do that? 540 00:36:41,213 --> 00:36:43,938 "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathion". 541 00:36:46,631 --> 00:36:48,260 "Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy" 542 00:36:48,392 --> 00:36:51,751 "like the feel of cold steel on his hot rod". 543 00:36:52,148 --> 00:36:54,388 "But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth" 544 00:36:54,412 --> 00:36:56,739 "and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba". 545 00:36:57,599 --> 00:36:59,494 That's the trade-off, my darling. 546 00:36:59,629 --> 00:37:02,155 You get the tattoo with a barb wire when you're 18 547 00:37:02,287 --> 00:37:05,311 and by the time you're 80 it's fucking picket fence. 548 00:37:05,743 --> 00:37:10,363 And Madonna turns into Margaret Hamilton going, 549 00:37:10,497 --> 00:37:12,707 "I'm dying, melting". 550 00:37:12,732 --> 00:37:15,548 Here's what you wanna do. 551 00:37:15,581 --> 00:37:19,504 When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me! 552 00:37:19,537 --> 00:37:21,432 But I had National Geographic 553 00:37:21,565 --> 00:37:23,925 and the girls that got me crazy... 554 00:37:24,855 --> 00:37:28,047 You know the ones with the slinky neck going... 555 00:37:28,811 --> 00:37:32,999 Do that, drive your parents crazy when you come down the stairs... 556 00:37:33,432 --> 00:37:35,359 Or do the full ubangy go, 557 00:37:35,425 --> 00:37:40,146 "Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player". 558 00:37:40,977 --> 00:37:43,537 And you can take out the plate and jump-rope with your lower lip. 559 00:37:43,561 --> 00:37:44,691 Have fun! 560 00:37:44,964 --> 00:37:46,993 Watch grandma go "Shit"! 561 00:37:54,304 --> 00:37:57,297 Union guys going "Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"! 562 00:38:04,345 --> 00:38:08,397 This shit is gonna be more precious than oil. 563 00:38:08,996 --> 00:38:11,655 Ten years from now, it's already starting to happen. People going, 564 00:38:13,850 --> 00:38:15,510 "I got water". 565 00:38:16,209 --> 00:38:20,231 "And if you want it cold, I got ice, motherfucker". 566 00:38:21,161 --> 00:38:26,114 Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess goes, 567 00:38:26,147 --> 00:38:29,404 "Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five," 568 00:38:29,537 --> 00:38:32,363 "we're just gonna do a few random bag checks". 569 00:38:32,396 --> 00:38:34,789 "These are totally random". 570 00:38:35,486 --> 00:38:37,616 "I'm just gonna read off a few names". 571 00:38:41,469 --> 00:38:43,499 "Has'N'T'Been' Seen"? 572 00:38:45,958 --> 00:38:46,958 "Akeem Been'Laid"? 573 00:38:48,250 --> 00:38:50,178 "Have'N'T'Been Fucked"? 574 00:38:51,774 --> 00:38:53,568 "Judy Smith"? 575 00:38:53,901 --> 00:38:56,128 Fourteen Arabs and a blonde...? 576 00:38:56,628 --> 00:39:00,914 And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going "Thank you, God"! 577 00:39:00,947 --> 00:39:04,470 "Oh, yes, we're off the list, motherfucker, yeah"! 578 00:39:06,930 --> 00:39:09,456 "They man's gonna be fucking with you now, Habib". 579 00:39:10,386 --> 00:39:12,980 "You better learn to go orderly". 580 00:39:13,544 --> 00:39:16,603 They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady, 581 00:39:16,635 --> 00:39:19,361 "Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?" Give 'em to me! 582 00:39:20,393 --> 00:39:22,913 And the five year old kid, they're patting him down, he's going, 583 00:39:22,937 --> 00:39:26,127 "What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!" 584 00:39:31,627 --> 00:39:34,485 So you've had a problem too, I guess. 585 00:39:34,519 --> 00:39:36,380 Father pats little boys down, like, 586 00:39:36,514 --> 00:39:39,936 "Good game, boy, good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!" 587 00:39:41,134 --> 00:39:45,553 They catch them, but they had the divine witness protection program. 588 00:39:46,450 --> 00:39:47,930 Find the priest, here's the pedophile, 589 00:39:47,954 --> 00:39:50,315 here's the priest, find the pedophile... 590 00:39:55,126 --> 00:39:58,916 Don't you ask, don't you tell, you might end up right in Hell. 591 00:39:59,348 --> 00:40:02,905 Here's your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home. 592 00:40:03,336 --> 00:40:07,359 Isn't it amazing? The Pope... 593 00:40:12,809 --> 00:40:14,772 Applause break number two. 594 00:40:15,635 --> 00:40:18,992 It was amazing when the Pope gathered all the cardinals in Rome and went... 595 00:40:20,587 --> 00:40:23,545 The only problem is, he's dressed like Liberace's stunt double. 596 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:27,433 I have a solution, though! 597 00:40:28,099 --> 00:40:31,389 For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it's like, 598 00:40:31,422 --> 00:40:33,051 "You know, Timmy..." 599 00:40:35,478 --> 00:40:36,807 "Tommy, I think..." 600 00:40:38,369 --> 00:40:40,264 Or the automated confessional, could be fun. 601 00:40:40,563 --> 00:40:43,222 "If this is a venal sin, press one". 602 00:40:44,385 --> 00:40:46,579 "If this is a carnal sin, press two". 603 00:40:47,012 --> 00:40:49,903 "If this is cardinal Law, please stay on the line". 604 00:40:50,501 --> 00:40:54,856 "Because you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a felony"! 605 00:40:54,954 --> 00:40:57,082 So we have to keep track! 606 00:41:06,023 --> 00:41:09,448 Right now they're up there watching. "Hi, Mr. Ashcroft". 607 00:41:11,076 --> 00:41:14,600 We're now under the offices of Homeland Security. 608 00:41:14,899 --> 00:41:18,288 Tom Ridge ever so often goes, "Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"! 609 00:41:20,150 --> 00:41:22,976 They had to be very careful picking that name "Homeland Security". 610 00:41:23,339 --> 00:41:25,939 Couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going 611 00:41:25,963 --> 00:41:27,659 "That's a good one"! 612 00:41:29,157 --> 00:41:31,750 But Homeland Security, it sounds like Homefront Security, 613 00:41:31,883 --> 00:41:33,977 which was England during WWII. 614 00:41:34,178 --> 00:41:38,000 Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England! 615 00:41:38,465 --> 00:41:40,857 There they were, Rudolph has personally... 616 00:41:40,992 --> 00:41:43,783 "I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite" 617 00:41:43,916 --> 00:41:46,574 and said "Get out of that Fokker, you fucker, get out"! 618 00:41:49,001 --> 00:41:51,726 And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill, 619 00:41:51,860 --> 00:41:54,187 one of the greatest orators of all time, 620 00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:58,607 may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, 621 00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:01,199 that he didn't do some of his great speeches. 622 00:42:01,234 --> 00:42:06,318 They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did "Winnie the Pooh". 623 00:42:07,117 --> 00:42:11,670 "We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land"! 624 00:42:11,836 --> 00:42:13,332 "Eeyore and jigger"! 625 00:42:15,559 --> 00:42:18,152 And, he was fighting against Hitler! 626 00:42:18,384 --> 00:42:21,009 A man who recently a book declared was a homosexual, 627 00:42:21,043 --> 00:42:22,904 and I always thought this was a clue! 628 00:42:23,835 --> 00:42:26,227 That and the leather and the dancing! 629 00:42:29,286 --> 00:42:31,103 We are now finding ourselves once again drown 630 00:42:31,128 --> 00:42:32,667 to England during these troubled times. 631 00:42:32,775 --> 00:42:34,438 Tony Blair, a militant liberal. 632 00:42:34,571 --> 00:42:37,531 Over here, George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. 633 00:42:37,928 --> 00:42:40,986 Sounds kinda like a Volvo with a gun rack, but... 634 00:42:43,113 --> 00:42:47,136 Over here, Tony Blair, a man who must address the House of Commons, 635 00:42:47,267 --> 00:42:50,061 which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place! 636 00:42:51,523 --> 00:42:54,880 - I believe my worthy opponents... - Oh, fuck off! 637 00:42:55,344 --> 00:42:58,004 "Shite, bollocks, you bastard! Fuck you"! 638 00:42:58,137 --> 00:43:00,137 Would someone remove Ms. Thatcher from the chamber? 639 00:43:03,555 --> 00:43:07,012 Tony said, "This heinous incident has brought us" 640 00:43:07,144 --> 00:43:08,264 "to the edge of oblivion..." 641 00:43:08,308 --> 00:43:10,403 "But our civilization shall endure"! 642 00:43:10,468 --> 00:43:14,588 And there's poor W. going, "Shit, I can't even spell that". 643 00:43:16,485 --> 00:43:20,008 Cause you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush 2.0. 644 00:43:21,138 --> 00:43:24,794 It's a beta release. He came with certain bugs in the software. 645 00:43:25,194 --> 00:43:27,286 "This country will not be taken hostile," 646 00:43:27,420 --> 00:43:29,846 oops, delete, delete, "hostage". 647 00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:34,734 And you look at him and realize he has a short attention spam. 648 00:43:34,766 --> 00:43:38,521 "Our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty". 649 00:43:41,048 --> 00:43:44,471 He kinda reminds me of the guy in college with a towel going, "Gotcha"! 650 00:43:46,997 --> 00:43:48,559 You just don't want him to drive. 651 00:43:49,623 --> 00:43:52,083 Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, 652 00:43:52,216 --> 00:43:54,908 some get it as a graduation gift. That's OK! 653 00:43:55,772 --> 00:43:57,966 Historically... 654 00:44:01,391 --> 00:44:03,917 You must look at it from a historical perspective. 655 00:44:04,449 --> 00:44:06,075 He's George the second. The boy-king. 656 00:44:06,110 --> 00:44:08,701 A man we thought could only lose, but somehow won, 657 00:44:08,835 --> 00:44:11,194 because of confused Hebrews. Yes! 658 00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:18,840 'W' doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out! 659 00:44:24,158 --> 00:44:25,198 When everything went down, 660 00:44:25,222 --> 00:44:27,514 they put W. out there, but they protected Cheney. 661 00:44:31,965 --> 00:44:35,920 Cheney had an angioplasty. Most people wait 'til it heals. 662 00:44:36,054 --> 00:44:38,347 He was like, "I'm perfectly fine"! 663 00:44:39,145 --> 00:44:41,638 "I'm OK"! 664 00:44:42,469 --> 00:44:46,889 And there's Ashcroft in the back, "Work the arms, you asshole"! 665 00:44:47,488 --> 00:44:51,477 You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man 666 00:44:51,609 --> 00:44:54,236 who lost to a dead man in Missouri. 667 00:44:54,866 --> 00:45:00,020 Choices in Missouri were John Ashcroft, Dead Man. 668 00:45:00,616 --> 00:45:02,211 And people in Missouri went, 669 00:45:02,311 --> 00:45:06,932 "I'm sorry John, the dead man scares me less than you do". 670 00:45:14,012 --> 00:45:16,307 Here's the drill for me. You know what's strange? 671 00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:22,123 It doesn't scare me that W. waved at Stevie Wonder. 672 00:45:22,255 --> 00:45:24,215 That's OK. 673 00:45:27,839 --> 00:45:30,098 Stevie's only been blind since birth! 674 00:45:30,664 --> 00:45:32,792 And there's W. going, "Stevie"! 675 00:45:33,324 --> 00:45:37,245 Even Stevie Wonder's going, "Is that motherfucker waving at me"? 676 00:45:39,007 --> 00:45:43,527 "Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn"! 677 00:45:44,758 --> 00:45:47,118 No! What scares me, 678 00:45:47,250 --> 00:45:50,874 is that W. almost died from a fucking pretzel. 679 00:45:52,336 --> 00:45:54,630 We have billions of dollars in national defense. 680 00:45:54,763 --> 00:45:57,920 They want billions more for national security. 681 00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:01,510 And he almost fucking goes down from snack food! 682 00:46:02,174 --> 00:46:05,332 Secret Service are going "Game's over, man"! 683 00:46:05,366 --> 00:46:08,557 "Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down". 684 00:46:10,153 --> 00:46:13,276 "Step away from the chip, sir"! 685 00:46:14,539 --> 00:46:17,696 We have to have people go "Hydrate, you bastard"! 686 00:46:19,159 --> 00:46:22,283 His own dogs didn't give a shit. They were licking him for the salt. 687 00:46:27,436 --> 00:46:29,762 You need a dog that cares. A dog like Lassie, who'd go... 688 00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:36,157 "What's wrong, Lassie? The President swallowed something" 689 00:46:36,181 --> 00:46:37,261 "and you did the Heimlich"? 690 00:46:38,271 --> 00:46:39,833 "What else, girl"? 691 00:46:41,596 --> 00:46:44,886 "Mr. Cheney is meeting with the Enron people"? 692 00:46:46,813 --> 00:46:50,569 "An Enron employee is secretary of the Navy"? 693 00:46:51,069 --> 00:46:52,232 "What about the Harken loan"? 694 00:46:52,930 --> 00:46:55,688 "Sorry, girl, we gonna have to put you down". 695 00:46:56,486 --> 00:47:01,343 Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming. 696 00:47:01,344 --> 00:47:04,643 Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney's new ride. 697 00:47:04,775 --> 00:47:07,340 Investment pirates of the Caribbean. 698 00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:11,306 Your money checks in, it doesn't check out. 699 00:47:14,738 --> 00:47:17,305 Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things. 700 00:47:17,670 --> 00:47:23,403 - Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do? - We're gonna conduct a crusade. 701 00:47:23,534 --> 00:47:26,234 And everybody in the room went... 702 00:47:26,331 --> 00:47:28,630 Ix-nay on the ucrade-say! 703 00:47:30,665 --> 00:47:36,265 All throughout the Middle East... 704 00:47:36,331 --> 00:47:39,694 Hide the women and children and the number zero, they're coming! 705 00:47:40,162 --> 00:47:42,995 And you can't bomb the Afghans back to the stone age 706 00:47:43,127 --> 00:47:45,027 because they'll go "Upgrade. Fun"! 707 00:47:46,992 --> 00:47:51,092 Today's bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing raid. 708 00:47:51,257 --> 00:47:53,990 We have moved trouble from here, to here. 709 00:47:54,024 --> 00:47:57,023 Goat in the upper right corner, possible member of the Taliban, 710 00:47:57,153 --> 00:47:59,320 or "concubine", we're not sure. 711 00:47:59,453 --> 00:48:02,693 We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise missile up its ass and were successful. 712 00:48:03,521 --> 00:48:06,485 Operation "Extreme Redundancy" is carrying on! 713 00:48:07,852 --> 00:48:13,048 Then we started to drop bombs, food, food, bombs. 714 00:48:13,182 --> 00:48:14,480 And here's the fun part. 715 00:48:14,516 --> 00:48:17,014 Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, 716 00:48:17,145 --> 00:48:19,812 and the food packages were little yellow packages. 717 00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:23,078 So now you're playing "Survivor The Real Game". 718 00:48:23,446 --> 00:48:27,708 "OK Bob, I was here yesterday... I'm gonna go for this one today..." 719 00:48:28,643 --> 00:48:30,908 And what was in those packages? 720 00:48:32,008 --> 00:48:33,540 Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, 721 00:48:33,573 --> 00:48:36,973 and all you need is honey-baked ham and you got a Redneck Christmas. 722 00:48:39,404 --> 00:48:41,604 Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims? 723 00:48:44,136 --> 00:48:48,267 Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? 724 00:48:48,301 --> 00:48:50,533 Number one, it tastes a shit load better than dirt. 725 00:48:52,233 --> 00:48:53,665 Number two and more importantly, 726 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,798 very difficult to have a call to Jihad 727 00:48:55,931 --> 00:48:58,164 with a mouth full of peanut butter. 728 00:49:04,961 --> 00:49:08,526 Secondly, or thirdly, for those keeping track... 729 00:49:09,926 --> 00:49:13,524 Afghanistan is a hasheesh smoking culture. 730 00:49:13,725 --> 00:49:16,157 And everyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooka will go, 731 00:49:16,723 --> 00:49:18,989 "Pop-Tarts"! 732 00:49:26,385 --> 00:49:30,250 Yes! Got milk? Come and get me! 733 00:49:30,418 --> 00:49:33,849 We're trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that? 734 00:49:33,983 --> 00:49:37,680 Do we build an amusement park "Muslim Mountain" with Gaddafi Duck? No! 735 00:49:39,381 --> 00:49:42,079 Do we have a wet burger contest? No! 736 00:49:42,712 --> 00:49:46,676 Do we play Cat Stevens records all day? Fuck off! 737 00:49:47,005 --> 00:49:48,774 Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No! 738 00:49:49,707 --> 00:49:52,844 Do we have a children show called "Saudi Dudi"? No! 739 00:49:54,613 --> 00:49:59,050 What we must do is we gotta get a sister. You know what I'm sayin'? 740 00:49:59,383 --> 00:50:01,585 You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. 741 00:50:01,986 --> 00:50:04,423 You know what I mean, a-ha, girl? You know what I'm sayin'? 742 00:50:04,689 --> 00:50:07,592 One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer. 743 00:50:08,092 --> 00:50:10,262 Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go, 744 00:50:10,395 --> 00:50:14,732 "Girl, you don't have to dress like a mother fucking bee keeper"! 745 00:50:17,502 --> 00:50:21,171 "You don't have to be Casper's bitch, forget all that"! 746 00:50:23,708 --> 00:50:26,108 "If he picks up a rock, cause you're talking to another man," 747 00:50:26,132 --> 00:50:30,036 you pick a bigger rock and say "Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker"! 748 00:50:31,180 --> 00:50:33,540 "He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll," 749 00:50:33,564 --> 00:50:36,532 you grab a knife and say "Lorena Bobbit time"! 750 00:50:36,888 --> 00:50:40,490 "Don't make me go cobra, I will go Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"! 751 00:50:41,525 --> 00:50:43,660 We're dealing with fundamentalists... 752 00:50:43,861 --> 00:50:45,781 The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try 753 00:50:45,805 --> 00:50:47,440 and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. 754 00:50:47,732 --> 00:50:50,666 And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man 755 00:50:50,834 --> 00:50:53,804 with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. 756 00:50:56,939 --> 00:50:59,442 Who are we looking for? 757 00:51:00,343 --> 00:51:02,912 Osama Bin Laden, one of 52 children. 758 00:51:03,044 --> 00:51:05,582 Even Freud would say, "He has issues". 759 00:51:06,182 --> 00:51:08,052 What does he look like without the beard? 760 00:51:08,184 --> 00:51:11,086 Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don't know, I don't care! 761 00:51:11,322 --> 00:51:15,291 I know this he's a six foot five Arab on dialysis... 762 00:51:15,559 --> 00:51:17,993 Why is that so fucking hard to find? 763 00:51:18,627 --> 00:51:23,899 Look for somebody attached to their luggage. 764 00:51:25,568 --> 00:51:30,207 When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath. 765 00:51:31,339 --> 00:51:34,343 Wait a minute. We have some of our own! 766 00:51:34,944 --> 00:51:37,681 Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do. 767 00:51:38,114 --> 00:51:40,952 Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind", the home game. 768 00:51:41,751 --> 00:51:45,186 You give Ted a mailing list and some tools... 769 00:51:45,355 --> 00:51:46,990 Ted, these people have been bad. 770 00:51:47,123 --> 00:51:49,458 - Are they bad? - Very bad! 771 00:51:49,492 --> 00:51:53,230 - I just want a few things. - I know you do! 772 00:51:53,761 --> 00:51:57,901 Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks. 773 00:51:58,034 --> 00:51:59,501 You can't use him. 774 00:51:59,567 --> 00:52:01,637 Chucky all the time comes out for parole 775 00:52:01,770 --> 00:52:04,241 with a swastika on his forehead. 776 00:52:04,274 --> 00:52:06,609 - I'm better. - In many ways, yeah. 777 00:52:06,876 --> 00:52:09,146 - What would you do if you got out? - I'd kill everybody. 778 00:52:11,747 --> 00:52:13,749 What are we dealing with? 779 00:52:14,316 --> 00:52:17,585 One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad. 780 00:52:17,820 --> 00:52:21,090 Sounds like a country western term like "jee-ha"! 781 00:52:22,191 --> 00:52:24,793 And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel 782 00:52:24,860 --> 00:52:26,762 which, I'm sad to say, is all of us, 783 00:52:27,362 --> 00:52:29,030 and you yourself die... 784 00:52:29,163 --> 00:52:30,565 you go to heaven and you are greeted 785 00:52:30,698 --> 00:52:32,500 by 71 dark-haired virgins. 786 00:52:33,168 --> 00:52:35,368 Now everyone who's ever been with one virgin is going... 787 00:52:35,392 --> 00:52:37,429 "I don't know..." 788 00:52:38,673 --> 00:52:40,508 "For my talent portion..." 789 00:52:43,378 --> 00:52:46,114 Recently, there was a article in the New York Times, 790 00:52:46,247 --> 00:52:47,715 a Coran scholar said 791 00:52:47,849 --> 00:52:50,486 "The actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins," 792 00:52:50,618 --> 00:52:53,821 "but 71 crystal clear raisins". 793 00:52:57,257 --> 00:53:00,161 Slight difference in interpretation, really. 794 00:53:00,763 --> 00:53:04,398 It's like finding out "thou shalt not kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt". 795 00:53:05,431 --> 00:53:08,470 And the Scottish are going, "Fuck off"! 796 00:53:09,003 --> 00:53:12,406 Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven sayin', 797 00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:15,409 - Where are my bitches? - Here're your raisins. 798 00:53:16,643 --> 00:53:20,313 Or 71 Virgils going, "You got a pretty mouth"! 799 00:53:22,516 --> 00:53:24,733 Osama Bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven. 800 00:53:24,758 --> 00:53:26,443 There's George Washington waiting, 801 00:53:26,553 --> 00:53:28,689 "How dare you defile that what we created" 802 00:53:28,822 --> 00:53:30,391 and starts violating on his ass. 803 00:53:30,424 --> 00:53:34,795 70 other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him. 804 00:53:34,828 --> 00:53:36,698 And then he's going, "Where're the virgins"? 805 00:53:36,831 --> 00:53:39,700 "71 Virginians, you asshole"! 806 00:53:44,403 --> 00:53:46,272 "I must talk to Jesus Christ"! 807 00:53:46,439 --> 00:53:48,407 "Where is Jesus Christ"? 808 00:53:48,540 --> 00:53:52,378 And Saint Peter goes, "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"? 809 00:53:56,550 --> 00:53:59,986 I heard it. Finally the PCs. 810 00:54:00,119 --> 00:54:01,754 We crossed the politically correct line. 811 00:54:01,888 --> 00:54:04,857 It's OK to beat the shit out of them, but don't do the Ethnic joke. 812 00:54:09,061 --> 00:54:10,797 How Buddhist of you! 813 00:54:11,265 --> 00:54:13,025 Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas? 814 00:54:13,049 --> 00:54:14,819 What did Buddha do? Nothing! 815 00:54:15,101 --> 00:54:16,869 What does the Buddhist terrorist do? 816 00:54:17,036 --> 00:54:20,437 Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas... Self barbecue! 817 00:54:20,872 --> 00:54:23,175 People's killing each other in the name of God are going, 818 00:54:23,308 --> 00:54:24,508 "What the fuck are you doing"? 819 00:54:25,278 --> 00:54:27,246 "Making you deal with your shit". 820 00:54:27,380 --> 00:54:30,216 I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing. 821 00:54:30,284 --> 00:54:32,217 I'm an Episcopal. That's catholic light. 822 00:54:34,286 --> 00:54:37,957 Same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening. 823 00:54:38,391 --> 00:54:40,792 Catholics have confession, Episcopals have 824 00:54:40,927 --> 00:54:44,095 Thanks Giving, your dad has a couple of gin and tonics... 825 00:54:45,230 --> 00:54:47,967 "I never loved you mother, you know that, don't ya"!? 826 00:54:48,968 --> 00:54:52,203 "I didn't, dad. And she's right there. Tell her again". 827 00:54:54,006 --> 00:54:58,777 Episcopal is basically Church of England which was Henry the 8th 828 00:54:58,909 --> 00:55:02,080 breaking away from the Catholic Church going, "I'm the fucking Pope now"! 829 00:55:03,114 --> 00:55:05,885 Then people broke away from that church, 830 00:55:06,018 --> 00:55:08,686 the Calvinists found him to be too loose. 831 00:55:08,887 --> 00:55:13,125 Then the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors, 832 00:55:13,158 --> 00:55:16,327 people so uptight, the English kicked them out. 833 00:55:16,361 --> 00:55:21,666 How anal do you have to be for the English to go "Get the fuck out"! 834 00:55:21,968 --> 00:55:25,070 "Take your pimp shoes and go"! 835 00:55:25,638 --> 00:55:28,439 And they land here in America going "Hello"! 836 00:55:28,574 --> 00:55:31,941 "We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol". 837 00:55:32,344 --> 00:55:34,779 "Here chief, try this and once you drunk it," 838 00:55:34,913 --> 00:55:37,349 "keep moving towards your feathers float. There you go"! 839 00:55:37,948 --> 00:55:40,718 And the Indians go "We have a gift for you". 840 00:55:40,751 --> 00:55:45,457 "For us is a sacred herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen". 841 00:55:46,056 --> 00:55:51,829 "Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash crop, yeah". 842 00:55:59,937 --> 00:56:04,040 "Welcome to Custers. The Casino that cares". 843 00:56:04,275 --> 00:56:07,244 "This is my wife, Sits-with-a-full-house". 844 00:56:08,045 --> 00:56:10,246 "It is now time for the white man to get drunk," 845 00:56:10,346 --> 00:56:12,751 "and we'll get back the land you took from us". 846 00:56:14,150 --> 00:56:19,723 The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them 847 00:56:19,856 --> 00:56:22,927 and then we got the people who knock on your door 848 00:56:23,060 --> 00:56:24,728 at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going, 849 00:56:24,861 --> 00:56:27,264 "Have you found Jesus"? 850 00:56:27,598 --> 00:56:29,278 You just wanna come to the door nude and go 851 00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:31,901 "No, help me look for him! Come on"! 852 00:56:35,405 --> 00:56:38,741 People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say 853 00:56:38,909 --> 00:56:40,876 "This was brought upon us by our sinful ways". 854 00:56:41,045 --> 00:56:43,480 I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah 855 00:56:43,646 --> 00:56:46,016 and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling. 856 00:56:46,282 --> 00:56:50,821 "One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls". 857 00:56:51,054 --> 00:56:53,622 "Let's get ready to humble"! 858 00:56:53,823 --> 00:56:57,493 Here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be "the word". 859 00:56:57,626 --> 00:57:00,263 Not translatable, not metaphorical, "the word". 860 00:57:00,597 --> 00:57:03,833 In the Genesis, "Let there be light"! Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? 861 00:57:03,866 --> 00:57:05,933 "No. God just went click". 862 00:57:08,037 --> 00:57:11,574 We are all descendant from Adam and Eve, then we are all cousins? 863 00:57:11,641 --> 00:57:13,176 "That's right"! 864 00:57:18,081 --> 00:57:20,215 There are miracles in the Bible. 865 00:57:20,383 --> 00:57:24,252 Like when Moses, and I'm not talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no! 866 00:57:24,853 --> 00:57:25,893 Not Charlton Heston going, 867 00:57:25,989 --> 00:57:28,623 "Let the Jews go or the pharaoh gets two in the head"! 868 00:57:29,458 --> 00:57:30,738 Charlton Heston, a man who said, 869 00:57:30,826 --> 00:57:34,662 "Guns don't kill people. Apes with guns kill people". 870 00:57:35,297 --> 00:57:37,933 No, Chucky! The second amendment 871 00:57:38,032 --> 00:57:40,201 started from people going like this... 872 00:57:40,369 --> 00:57:41,871 And that still continues. That's OK! 873 00:57:42,204 --> 00:57:46,340 When Moses said to pharaoh "Let my people go". 874 00:57:46,375 --> 00:57:48,578 And pharaoh went "In your dreams"! 875 00:57:48,644 --> 00:57:52,180 And Moses called the God, "God, I need some help"! 876 00:57:52,213 --> 00:57:55,083 And frogs fell from the sky. 877 00:57:55,553 --> 00:57:59,420 Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going "Now"! 878 00:58:00,521 --> 00:58:05,560 Thank God it wasn't the French, cause they would go "Lunch"! 879 00:58:05,993 --> 00:58:10,063 "You're great caterers, I can't let you go, you crazy people"! 880 00:58:11,300 --> 00:58:16,637 Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going "Get your shit and out"! 881 00:58:17,039 --> 00:58:20,440 I said wait a minute! That's what we should drop on Afghanistan. 882 00:58:20,608 --> 00:58:24,144 Not bombs, not food... Fucking frogs! 883 00:58:24,412 --> 00:58:27,281 Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven't seen. 884 00:58:28,482 --> 00:58:32,787 If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats. 885 00:58:37,457 --> 00:58:41,862 NY rats would be going "Hey, come on, raid"! 886 00:58:41,894 --> 00:58:44,132 "I eat pussy literally. Bring it on"! 887 00:58:45,635 --> 00:58:50,303 Even then pharaoh was not impressed "Please, David Copperfield, no"! 888 00:58:50,736 --> 00:58:52,873 And then boils and then first born dies. 889 00:58:53,006 --> 00:58:55,542 "That's it! Hebrews get out"! 890 00:58:55,575 --> 00:58:56,575 And everybody... 891 00:58:58,613 --> 00:59:00,413 "Let's not wait for the bread to rise". 892 00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:03,717 "Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving"! 893 00:59:05,451 --> 00:59:07,354 Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis? 894 00:59:07,521 --> 00:59:10,257 "We're traveling, people. You don't want sand in there". 895 00:59:11,359 --> 00:59:14,894 "And this is so passe! The dicky thing, forget it. Let's move"! 896 00:59:15,429 --> 00:59:17,829 We're going to the desert. Then they get the 10 commandments, 897 00:59:17,853 --> 00:59:20,354 that would be adjusted later by certain presidents. 898 00:59:21,468 --> 00:59:23,903 And they get to the Red Sea. 899 00:59:24,071 --> 00:59:27,640 And they go "What now, Mr. Magic, what do we do now"? 900 00:59:27,741 --> 00:59:30,777 We're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"... 901 00:59:30,910 --> 00:59:32,411 Frogs backs! 902 00:59:32,877 --> 00:59:35,882 Thank you for watching me this far. 903 00:59:36,982 --> 00:59:39,719 Obviously, I did inhale. 904 00:59:43,423 --> 00:59:45,591 "What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"? 905 00:59:45,657 --> 00:59:49,295 And he calls to God again and the sea parts. 906 00:59:49,695 --> 00:59:53,033 And even the most doubting Jew is going "You're good"! 907 00:59:53,299 --> 00:59:58,970 Let's move, don't eat the shellfish, I'll tell you why later. 908 01:00:00,172 --> 01:00:01,340 Where are we going? 909 01:00:01,506 --> 01:00:03,975 "To Jerusalem to start years of struggling," 910 01:00:04,110 --> 01:00:07,080 "and later to Miami to fuck up an election". 911 01:00:11,750 --> 01:00:15,221 And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls to his cat-like God 912 01:00:15,255 --> 01:00:19,224 but the cat-like God can't do shit, cause it's afraid of water. 913 01:00:22,861 --> 01:00:25,398 And then there's another miracle. 914 01:00:25,831 --> 01:00:30,570 The night that Mary said to Joe "Joe, I'm pregnant". 915 01:00:31,103 --> 01:00:34,240 Joe went "Holy Mother of God"! She went "You're right"! 916 01:00:35,873 --> 01:00:39,545 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - What a great name, Joe! 917 01:00:39,978 --> 01:00:42,946 "That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go"! 918 01:00:43,349 --> 01:00:45,916 - I love you, Joe! - Hold on a minute, Mary. 919 01:00:45,949 --> 01:00:48,184 - So I'm the step father of God's kid? - Yeah. 920 01:00:48,419 --> 01:00:50,539 "I can't discipline him, I can't tell him he's wrong," 921 01:00:50,589 --> 01:00:53,358 cause he'll look to me saying "You're not my real dad". 922 01:00:53,558 --> 01:00:55,959 - How did it happen? - It's immaculate, Joe. 923 01:00:56,196 --> 01:01:00,298 "It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate"! 924 01:01:00,331 --> 01:01:04,968 I'm sorry I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon. 925 01:01:07,239 --> 01:01:11,574 Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish. 926 01:01:11,608 --> 01:01:16,079 You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe. 927 01:01:16,113 --> 01:01:19,783 We're just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob. 928 01:01:20,417 --> 01:01:23,387 We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God. 929 01:01:24,087 --> 01:01:26,990 Praise to him, Jim-Bob. 930 01:01:27,123 --> 01:01:32,664 He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob! 931 01:01:32,929 --> 01:01:37,235 Jesus was an only child. Thank God! 932 01:01:37,402 --> 01:01:40,472 Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? 933 01:01:42,574 --> 01:01:44,741 That's a tough gig. 934 01:01:44,909 --> 01:01:46,589 "Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach". 935 01:01:46,613 --> 01:01:49,479 "Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them" 936 01:01:49,647 --> 01:01:51,087 "and get a whole bunch of disciples". 937 01:01:51,111 --> 01:01:54,382 "I'll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me"! 938 01:01:56,687 --> 01:02:01,824 He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-Dee-doo"! 939 01:02:04,059 --> 01:02:08,831 "Yeah, I healed somebody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that"! 940 01:02:10,868 --> 01:02:15,271 "Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber. You do the math"! 941 01:02:16,440 --> 01:02:19,976 And people say to me Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! 942 01:02:20,510 --> 01:02:23,412 Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. 943 01:02:24,447 --> 01:02:25,850 Working in his father's business, 944 01:02:26,015 --> 01:02:28,819 his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up! 945 01:02:30,386 --> 01:02:32,155 It's an old tradition! 946 01:02:33,156 --> 01:02:36,226 And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish, 947 01:02:36,391 --> 01:02:39,829 for the Last Supper, would they have not gone out for Chinese? 948 01:02:40,564 --> 01:02:43,365 "Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on one minute, no service, no sandals". 949 01:02:43,533 --> 01:02:44,566 "OK, you come in now". 950 01:02:44,700 --> 01:02:49,238 "You're twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They're not together". 951 01:02:49,871 --> 01:02:55,378 "I got one big table by the window, but you all have to face this way". 952 01:02:59,148 --> 01:03:03,386 "You are glowing, so I guess we won't need that lamp, that's very nice"! 953 01:03:03,785 --> 01:03:07,223 "You've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!" 954 01:03:08,790 --> 01:03:12,995 It's said that night, Jesus turned to his disciples, 955 01:03:13,162 --> 01:03:15,397 and said "One of you shall betray me". 956 01:03:15,563 --> 01:03:18,901 Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"? Jesus said, "It is not you Peter". 957 01:03:19,234 --> 01:03:22,939 Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"? Jesus said, "It is not you Simon". 958 01:03:23,372 --> 01:03:24,940 And Judas said "Is it me, Jesus"? 959 01:03:25,007 --> 01:03:28,210 And Jesus turned to him "Is it me, Jesus"!? 960 01:03:29,911 --> 01:03:31,780 Thus you see two traditions beginning 961 01:03:31,913 --> 01:03:35,749 Jewish sarcasm and gentile humor. Together born! 962 01:03:36,417 --> 01:03:41,056 The next day the miracle occurred. Crucifixion, Resurrection, 963 01:03:41,089 --> 01:03:43,790 and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow 964 01:03:43,958 --> 01:03:46,094 another 2,000 years of guilt. Yes! 965 01:03:47,028 --> 01:03:51,765 For me, the one big question is how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection 966 01:03:51,833 --> 01:03:54,869 and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? 967 01:03:56,637 --> 01:03:58,072 How do you do that one? 968 01:03:58,738 --> 01:04:02,343 Even kids are going "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this"? 969 01:04:02,943 --> 01:04:06,314 And you don't want a kid biting the head off a chocolate Jesus. 970 01:04:07,448 --> 01:04:10,951 You don't want a cream filled cross going... 971 01:04:11,652 --> 01:04:13,692 You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going 972 01:04:13,821 --> 01:04:15,823 "We're looking for Jesus, kids, come one"! 973 01:04:16,658 --> 01:04:19,694 What are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them involved. 974 01:04:19,993 --> 01:04:22,829 That's why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things. 975 01:04:24,431 --> 01:04:26,700 They're all there to keep your action up. 976 01:04:27,367 --> 01:04:29,437 And then we're starting to lose them. 977 01:04:29,471 --> 01:04:30,570 Like Saint Christopher... 978 01:04:30,739 --> 01:04:33,774 "Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down". 979 01:04:35,709 --> 01:04:37,029 "The medals aren't selling well". 980 01:04:37,053 --> 01:04:40,148 "Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're outta here". 981 01:04:40,246 --> 01:04:42,981 "We're gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accessories". 982 01:04:44,416 --> 01:04:47,485 But I want a saint like Mother Teresa. 983 01:04:47,621 --> 01:04:51,593 She said "You can do only small things with great love". 984 01:04:51,625 --> 01:04:54,093 And Pat Robinson said "She's not a real Christian"! 985 01:04:54,127 --> 01:04:57,730 "Why? Cause she doesn't have tag shelter and a university"? 986 01:04:58,364 --> 01:05:02,368 Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume... 987 01:05:02,635 --> 01:05:05,503 "Compassion" by Mother Teresa. 988 01:05:05,673 --> 01:05:08,708 "I smell, because I care. Compassion"! 989 01:05:09,310 --> 01:05:11,845 Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"... 990 01:05:12,578 --> 01:05:16,782 "Whether you're simply not eating or telling the English to get the fuck out"! 991 01:05:17,382 --> 01:05:20,153 "They come in size one and below". 992 01:05:21,452 --> 01:05:23,724 Gandhi was an amazing man. 993 01:05:23,890 --> 01:05:26,330 They asked him "What do you think about Western civilization"? 994 01:05:26,354 --> 01:05:28,890 He said "I think it would be a wonderful idea". 995 01:05:29,262 --> 01:05:34,566 As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going 996 01:05:35,236 --> 01:05:38,937 "I know Gandhi. He was a prick". 997 01:05:40,539 --> 01:05:44,110 "I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa". 998 01:05:44,309 --> 01:05:47,845 "He kept saying Who's your diaper daddy"? 999 01:05:50,181 --> 01:05:51,616 "I saw that with my eyes". 1000 01:05:51,748 --> 01:05:55,155 "If you don't believe me, I'll bitch slap you like Shiva". 1001 01:05:56,654 --> 01:05:59,791 "Don't press this. Don't fucking do that"! 1002 01:06:00,191 --> 01:06:02,262 "Don't go ding-dong, you asshole"! 1003 01:06:03,194 --> 01:06:04,964 "Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend". 1004 01:06:05,129 --> 01:06:07,966 "I could turn this whole place into Chicken Tika". 1005 01:06:08,667 --> 01:06:10,467 India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. 1006 01:06:10,501 --> 01:06:12,171 And we're prepared to fight over Kashmir. 1007 01:06:12,336 --> 01:06:15,741 And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole! 1008 01:06:17,341 --> 01:06:21,547 India detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. 1009 01:06:21,713 --> 01:06:23,949 Pakistan detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. 1010 01:06:24,216 --> 01:06:26,717 And your spy satellites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre. 1011 01:06:26,884 --> 01:06:28,686 They didn't have a fucking clue. 1012 01:06:30,389 --> 01:06:33,123 India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. 1013 01:06:33,257 --> 01:06:34,257 China has the bomb. 1014 01:06:34,356 --> 01:06:37,762 Or maybe they just have one billion people go "Boom"! 1015 01:06:38,463 --> 01:06:42,500 Russia has the bomb. "We have many bombs". 1016 01:06:43,367 --> 01:06:46,002 "We don't know where they all are"! 1017 01:06:47,804 --> 01:06:50,607 Maybe you want a dirty bomb. 1018 01:06:52,210 --> 01:06:54,846 And the French have a bomb, too. 1019 01:06:55,111 --> 01:06:57,849 Maybe they have the Michelin bomb that only destroys 1020 01:06:57,981 --> 01:06:59,817 restaurants under four stars. 1021 01:07:00,951 --> 01:07:04,489 They still test their bombs. They still detonate their bombs. 1022 01:07:04,621 --> 01:07:06,189 Where did they do the underground test? 1023 01:07:06,324 --> 01:07:07,859 In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? 1024 01:07:07,891 --> 01:07:12,363 No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. 1025 01:07:12,629 --> 01:07:15,832 Why? "Because we're French". 1026 01:07:16,033 --> 01:07:18,002 "Oh, look a Green Peace boat's come to protest". 1027 01:07:18,168 --> 01:07:19,871 "Fuck off, I sink you". 1028 01:07:20,270 --> 01:07:22,673 "I'm the baddest mother fucker, am I not"? 1029 01:07:22,872 --> 01:07:25,540 "Look, I'm giving a cigarette to a baby". 1030 01:07:27,009 --> 01:07:32,081 "Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this". 1031 01:07:32,616 --> 01:07:35,652 "You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans"! 1032 01:07:38,255 --> 01:07:42,391 "Americans, you politically correct. You culture-less crack Americans". 1033 01:07:42,625 --> 01:07:44,527 "We hate all of you. Fuck off"! 1034 01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:48,830 "The Germans are here... Hello, Americans"! 1035 01:07:49,732 --> 01:07:55,104 "I love you! Come on, Americans". 1036 01:07:56,572 --> 01:07:59,376 "Welcome back, Americans"! 1037 01:07:59,743 --> 01:08:01,777 "You can build a Disneyland near Paris". 1038 01:08:03,111 --> 01:08:05,647 "We won't go, but build it". 1039 01:08:05,881 --> 01:08:09,453 "It will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great"! 1040 01:08:10,119 --> 01:08:13,924 Smoking a Gauloise, going "I never loved Mickey". 1041 01:08:14,623 --> 01:08:18,761 "He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off"! 1042 01:08:19,629 --> 01:08:20,694 "Don't love him"! 1043 01:08:25,967 --> 01:08:29,205 But there is one country that watches out for all of us 1044 01:08:29,337 --> 01:08:33,074 the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. 1045 01:08:33,210 --> 01:08:35,770 If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going 1046 01:08:35,878 --> 01:08:37,646 "What was that noise"? 1047 01:08:38,613 --> 01:08:40,316 In their big hollowed out country, 1048 01:08:40,448 --> 01:08:42,618 with their chocolate and their watches. Ya! 1049 01:08:43,218 --> 01:08:45,488 The nice Germans. Ya! 1050 01:08:46,122 --> 01:08:48,923 Or, as they like to say, "the other white race". 1051 01:08:50,058 --> 01:08:51,926 I have only one question. 1052 01:08:52,060 --> 01:08:57,732 How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it's knife? 1053 01:08:59,099 --> 01:09:02,772 "Many of you, men, have never opened Chardonnay under fire". 1054 01:09:06,106 --> 01:09:10,813 "You take out the wine bottle, pull out the cock and throw"! 1055 01:09:11,012 --> 01:09:14,682 "I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold". 1056 01:09:15,751 --> 01:09:20,521 My God! Where did all this Impressionistic art come from? 1057 01:09:21,122 --> 01:09:24,290 And all these jewelry from 1939 to 1945? 1058 01:09:25,160 --> 01:09:27,928 Fairies must've brought it during the night. 1059 01:09:28,430 --> 01:09:32,332 I have to do the Heimlich and cough up an account number. 1060 01:09:33,500 --> 01:09:35,037 I know this one thing... 1061 01:09:35,169 --> 01:09:39,574 I know there's one country that is not developing a weapon of destruction. 1062 01:09:39,606 --> 01:09:42,910 That does not have a secret weapon's lab up in the mountains. 1063 01:09:43,043 --> 01:09:44,713 Jamaica! 1064 01:09:47,849 --> 01:09:50,016 Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. 1065 01:09:50,618 --> 01:09:53,520 They may make an atomic bong. 1066 01:09:54,021 --> 01:09:55,814 But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic 1067 01:09:55,839 --> 01:09:57,549 bong cause, when the atomic bomb goes off, 1068 01:09:57,658 --> 01:10:00,359 there's devastation and radiation. 1069 01:10:00,427 --> 01:10:04,665 When the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration! 1070 01:10:09,502 --> 01:10:11,472 Smokes a split for the communion. 1071 01:10:11,604 --> 01:10:13,372 If you don't see Jesus then, you never will. 1072 01:10:16,442 --> 01:10:19,177 I know only one thing. 1073 01:10:19,312 --> 01:10:22,250 I never met me an angry pot smoker. 1074 01:10:22,482 --> 01:10:28,221 I never met a man who said "Hey, you fucking prick"! 1075 01:10:42,101 --> 01:10:46,139 "Oh, fuck"! 1076 01:10:46,273 --> 01:10:47,608 "What was I gonna do"!? 1077 01:10:49,307 --> 01:10:51,677 "Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here"! 1078 01:10:51,878 --> 01:10:56,148 Because you see, marihuana... 1079 01:10:59,584 --> 01:11:02,255 I know this one. Wait a minute. 1080 01:11:10,362 --> 01:11:13,002 If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. 1081 01:11:13,026 --> 01:11:14,534 Or maybe... 1082 01:11:15,468 --> 01:11:18,903 If you seen some of the things that happened recently to NASA, maybe you can. 1083 01:11:22,172 --> 01:11:23,809 "The Mars lander..." 1084 01:11:25,443 --> 01:11:28,213 "I did the calculations in feet," 1085 01:11:28,513 --> 01:11:31,616 "but I programmed the lander in meters". 1086 01:11:35,019 --> 01:11:38,155 "So, instead of landing, fucker buried"! 1087 01:11:38,823 --> 01:11:41,893 "185 million dollars... oopsy"! 1088 01:11:42,060 --> 01:11:44,129 "Two years... splat"! 1089 01:11:44,327 --> 01:11:47,199 "OK, fuck! Here's a better one"! 1090 01:11:49,201 --> 01:11:51,503 "The Hubble Telescope..." 1091 01:11:51,702 --> 01:11:55,040 "I forgot to put in a lens". 1092 01:11:55,640 --> 01:11:58,809 Read the top line. "Officer Jerry, serial..." 1093 01:11:58,944 --> 01:12:01,245 "The rest is just a black hole". 1094 01:12:01,946 --> 01:12:05,448 I once called Steven Hawking's house, "Hello, this is Steven Hawking". 1095 01:12:05,784 --> 01:12:09,086 - Yes, I'd like to leave a message. - No, this is Steven Hawking. 1096 01:12:11,424 --> 01:12:12,690 I know one thing though. 1097 01:12:13,323 --> 01:12:16,993 Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods. 1098 01:12:17,261 --> 01:12:21,266 Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. 1099 01:12:22,265 --> 01:12:25,035 See those guys going, "Hey, fuck you, my man"! 1100 01:12:26,804 --> 01:12:28,539 "Hey, listen to me". 1101 01:12:30,008 --> 01:12:33,178 "Listen to me, you piece of shit". 1102 01:12:33,946 --> 01:12:38,182 "You do not know shit about fuck, my man". 1103 01:12:41,786 --> 01:12:44,353 "You want a piece of yourself"? 1104 01:12:45,155 --> 01:12:48,290 "Step outside, I'll kick my ass". 1105 01:12:48,525 --> 01:12:50,860 "I've already shit myself, I'm halfway there". 1106 01:12:54,197 --> 01:12:57,500 Some people know, you can deal with it genetically. 1107 01:12:57,533 --> 01:12:59,213 If you're Irish, you've got a running start 1108 01:12:59,335 --> 01:13:00,815 that you can do it better than we are. 1109 01:13:01,538 --> 01:13:06,743 If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass but then you'll sing about it, afterwards. 1110 01:13:07,177 --> 01:13:09,346 "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat," 1111 01:13:09,478 --> 01:13:11,118 "I knocked you down and shit in your hat". 1112 01:13:15,985 --> 01:13:17,954 And then you keep drinking 'til you're in 1113 01:13:17,979 --> 01:13:19,923 your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine, 1114 01:13:19,955 --> 01:13:23,458 doing liver dancing Michael Flatline. 1115 01:13:24,360 --> 01:13:26,594 And they say the Irish saved civilization, 1116 01:13:26,662 --> 01:13:27,996 drank a couple of Guinness 1117 01:13:28,131 --> 01:13:30,666 and forgot where they fucking put it. But that's all right! 1118 01:13:30,732 --> 01:13:35,638 The Japanese drink differently than us. 1119 01:13:36,505 --> 01:13:38,540 You could be polite during the day 1120 01:13:38,675 --> 01:13:40,944 and all of a sudden you're "Arigato gozaimas". 1121 01:13:41,277 --> 01:13:45,913 And after five Jack Daniels... "Tie the yellow ribbon"! 1122 01:13:49,585 --> 01:13:52,922 Karaoke for "asshole with a microphone". 1123 01:13:53,456 --> 01:13:55,959 "Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"! 1124 01:13:57,459 --> 01:14:03,065 And If you want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 1125 01:14:03,098 --> 01:14:06,503 Cause you can't fucking understand them before... 1126 01:14:07,169 --> 01:14:08,649 You land in Scotland and they're going 1127 01:14:11,639 --> 01:14:14,441 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah? 1128 01:14:19,781 --> 01:14:22,317 - Sure. - Oh, fuck sure, eh? 1129 01:14:27,357 --> 01:14:30,891 - Sure! - Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard. 1130 01:14:33,928 --> 01:14:37,933 And you realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care! 1131 01:14:38,699 --> 01:14:41,438 And how they could invent a sport like golf. 1132 01:14:42,603 --> 01:14:45,441 Here's my idea for a fucking sport. 1133 01:14:45,940 --> 01:14:48,875 I knock a ball in a gopher hole. 1134 01:14:49,610 --> 01:14:52,379 - Oh, you mean like pool? - Fuck off pool! 1135 01:14:52,413 --> 01:14:55,583 Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick! 1136 01:14:56,584 --> 01:14:59,453 I whack the ball, it goes in a gopher hole. 1137 01:15:00,155 --> 01:15:03,390 - Oh, you mean like croquet? - Fuck croquet! 1138 01:15:04,090 --> 01:15:07,261 I put the hole hundreds of yards away! 1139 01:15:08,495 --> 01:15:12,567 Oh, fuck yeah! There's big fun there! 1140 01:15:15,703 --> 01:15:18,339 - Oh, like a bowling thing? - Fuck no! 1141 01:15:18,805 --> 01:15:21,041 Not straight, I put shit in the way! 1142 01:15:21,942 --> 01:15:25,044 Like trees and bushes and high grass. 1143 01:15:25,279 --> 01:15:27,447 So you can lose you fucking ball. 1144 01:15:27,481 --> 01:15:30,551 And go hacking away with a fucking tire iron! 1145 01:15:30,617 --> 01:15:34,622 Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you're gonna have a stroke! 1146 01:15:35,289 --> 01:15:37,892 Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke, 1147 01:15:38,057 --> 01:15:41,561 cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die! 1148 01:15:42,395 --> 01:15:45,798 Oh great, oh and here's the better part. Fuck, this is brilliant! 1149 01:15:46,031 --> 01:15:48,802 Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece 1150 01:15:48,969 --> 01:15:51,371 with a little flag to give you fucking hope. 1151 01:15:52,470 --> 01:15:55,841 But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox, 1152 01:15:56,009 --> 01:15:58,177 to fuck with your ball again! 1153 01:15:58,445 --> 01:16:03,282 You'll be there trashing your ass, jerking away in the sand. 1154 01:16:03,551 --> 01:16:07,520 - And you do this one time? - Fuck no! 1155 01:16:07,686 --> 01:16:12,391 Eighteen fucking times! 1156 01:16:20,900 --> 01:16:23,403 There you have a sport! 1157 01:16:23,969 --> 01:16:25,237 The manly sport of golf, 1158 01:16:25,371 --> 01:16:28,006 where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. 1159 01:16:28,373 --> 01:16:33,712 Where even a blind gay man would go, "Oh, dear Christ"! 1160 01:16:34,179 --> 01:16:37,881 "Those are loud, this is not carnival! What the fuck are you on"? 1161 01:16:38,350 --> 01:16:41,252 Even the alligator's going, "Asshole"! 1162 01:16:42,921 --> 01:16:47,660 It's such an athletic sport, whack the ball, get in the car. 1163 01:16:48,661 --> 01:16:51,196 Whack the ball, get in the car. 1164 01:16:51,496 --> 01:16:53,567 And the commentary's electrifying. 1165 01:16:54,031 --> 01:16:56,935 Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going. 1166 01:16:57,069 --> 01:16:59,338 "We're on the third green now". 1167 01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:04,309 "Could people be quieter, I'd like to hear the grass grow". 1168 01:17:06,010 --> 01:17:09,848 I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. 1169 01:17:11,483 --> 01:17:14,220 "The ball is rolling, the ball is going to the..." 1170 01:17:14,352 --> 01:17:22,059 "Hole"! 1171 01:17:25,363 --> 01:17:27,499 Just to see all those waspy motherfuckers going, 1172 01:17:27,632 --> 01:17:29,499 "Oh, dear Christ"! 1173 01:17:30,335 --> 01:17:33,938 "My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, shit"! 1174 01:17:34,338 --> 01:17:38,041 "What the hell are we gonna do"? That was their last domain of dominance. 1175 01:17:38,243 --> 01:17:40,078 It was their area. They were the king. 1176 01:17:40,209 --> 01:17:43,213 Up until... Tiger! 1177 01:17:46,750 --> 01:17:49,453 Son of a black man and a Thai woman. 1178 01:17:49,486 --> 01:17:52,555 Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up! 1179 01:17:53,391 --> 01:17:57,593 Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. 1180 01:18:01,297 --> 01:18:03,599 Crouching Potter. 1181 01:18:04,168 --> 01:18:06,570 And then he goes to the British Open, 1182 01:18:06,703 --> 01:18:10,708 and he plays at Saint Andrews, where they fucking invented the sport. 1183 01:18:10,775 --> 01:18:13,477 And after the forth round, he's 18 under par. 1184 01:18:13,510 --> 01:18:16,380 And there's only 18 fucking holes. 1185 01:18:16,747 --> 01:18:21,018 And all the old men are going, "My God, we're doomed"! 1186 01:18:21,185 --> 01:18:24,588 "How did he learn to play? We wouldn't let him join, dear God"! 1187 01:18:24,987 --> 01:18:27,292 And they start having nightmares of golf carts going... 1188 01:18:31,562 --> 01:18:33,564 "Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through," 1189 01:18:33,696 --> 01:18:35,731 "Whether you're a gentile or a Jew." 1190 01:18:35,797 --> 01:18:39,067 "Purple beats, motherfucker"! 1191 01:18:46,042 --> 01:18:50,146 All of your gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be... 1192 01:18:53,416 --> 01:18:54,751 Until the Williams sisters... 1193 01:19:00,922 --> 01:19:04,025 - 40, love? - No, that's good love, baby! 1194 01:19:06,161 --> 01:19:08,296 Even boxing's changed. 1195 01:19:08,364 --> 01:19:11,932 Remember boxing, people go, "I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing". 1196 01:19:11,967 --> 01:19:14,036 Like saying, "I go to stock car races" 1197 01:19:14,169 --> 01:19:16,906 "to see people take left turns all day". 1198 01:19:17,305 --> 01:19:21,243 No, you go to boxing to see someone get the fuck beat out of him. 1199 01:19:21,445 --> 01:19:25,080 Even the guy who loses is going, "I have 18 million dollars". 1200 01:19:25,481 --> 01:19:27,416 "I don't know where it fucking is..." 1201 01:19:28,816 --> 01:19:33,955 "I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. Fuck off"! 1202 01:19:35,056 --> 01:19:39,062 Boxing was the same. And then Mike Tyson! 1203 01:19:39,929 --> 01:19:42,495 Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody. 1204 01:19:43,364 --> 01:19:46,067 Let's get ready to nibble! 1205 01:19:46,935 --> 01:19:49,271 All these guys're going, "Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"! 1206 01:19:49,471 --> 01:19:51,351 I'm saying, "You're lucky he just bit somebody". 1207 01:19:51,375 --> 01:19:54,544 "Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't fuck him". 1208 01:19:55,845 --> 01:19:59,314 You bite somebody in jail its like, "Get ready bitch, you're mine now"! 1209 01:19:59,613 --> 01:20:01,416 - Break it up! - We're not finished. 1210 01:20:01,449 --> 01:20:04,319 Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna fuck you, till you love me". 1211 01:20:04,452 --> 01:20:07,522 At that point I'm going, "Someone didn't come here to box, babe". 1212 01:20:08,454 --> 01:20:12,493 Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you, motherfuckers"! 1213 01:20:12,925 --> 01:20:15,596 I'm going, "Up the dosage, Mike"! 1214 01:20:16,864 --> 01:20:19,933 There's all these drugs, Zoloft, Prozac. 1215 01:20:20,067 --> 01:20:22,270 I wanna have one drug encompassing it all. 1216 01:20:22,535 --> 01:20:24,872 Call it "Fuck It All". 1217 01:20:25,606 --> 01:20:29,709 I don't feel anything, I don't wanna do anything, "Fuck It All". 1218 01:20:30,643 --> 01:20:34,049 The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be, "Fuck It All". 1219 01:20:34,483 --> 01:20:37,751 I'm sitting here in my own dong, "Fuck It All". 1220 01:20:38,686 --> 01:20:41,722 The scary thing about drugs is that they have some horrible side effect. 1221 01:20:41,956 --> 01:20:43,824 "May cause artificial insemination". 1222 01:20:47,162 --> 01:20:48,696 What? What do you mean? 1223 01:20:49,395 --> 01:20:52,631 There's a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing. 1224 01:20:52,664 --> 01:20:54,135 Olestra? What is that? 1225 01:20:54,268 --> 01:20:57,671 It said on the little side of the chips, "May cause anal leakage". 1226 01:21:00,807 --> 01:21:04,011 That's not a side effect if my ass is going... 1227 01:21:05,477 --> 01:21:08,414 I think that's an effect, really! 1228 01:21:09,350 --> 01:21:13,186 "Fire in the hole"! Bad day! 1229 01:21:14,354 --> 01:21:18,424 - How you're doing, Bob? - Just a little anal leakage, Ted. 1230 01:21:19,026 --> 01:21:22,029 Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now? 1231 01:21:26,332 --> 01:21:30,769 I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this! 1232 01:21:30,903 --> 01:21:33,872 I had women in NY saying "Don't wear fur"! 1233 01:21:35,009 --> 01:21:39,113 The politically correct... red paint "Fuck off, lady, it's me"! 1234 01:21:39,412 --> 01:21:41,882 I'm a fucking Chia pet. 1235 01:21:42,481 --> 01:21:45,785 I've gone to the zoo and had monkeys go... 1236 01:21:52,191 --> 01:21:54,057 Anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place, 1237 01:21:54,195 --> 01:21:57,231 go and watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children. 1238 01:21:57,363 --> 01:22:01,133 Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like... 1239 01:22:01,534 --> 01:22:03,502 "Wait for it". 1240 01:22:05,570 --> 01:22:08,373 "Wait 'til the teacher comes with the video camera". 1241 01:22:10,042 --> 01:22:11,042 "Now"! 1242 01:22:21,552 --> 01:22:23,256 Cause they're not happy. 1243 01:22:23,421 --> 01:22:26,024 Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the panda, 1244 01:22:26,158 --> 01:22:28,627 she must mate, so you can build the wing on the zoo. 1245 01:22:28,826 --> 01:22:31,296 They go to China, they anesthetize a panda, 1246 01:22:31,430 --> 01:22:32,598 which is kinda redundant... 1247 01:22:34,332 --> 01:22:37,569 They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong. 1248 01:22:38,270 --> 01:22:40,671 When his Chinese name was Who Shu KO Hu, 1249 01:22:40,905 --> 01:22:42,573 "Bear with Balls of Steel". 1250 01:22:43,474 --> 01:22:46,344 They put him in the cage with Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"! 1251 01:22:46,443 --> 01:22:50,180 He looks at her like, "I would never fuck her"! 1252 01:22:52,583 --> 01:22:56,053 "That is one ugly panda bitch". 1253 01:22:56,621 --> 01:23:00,692 "If you were a panda, you'd know that's the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is". 1254 01:23:01,492 --> 01:23:04,397 "I wouldn't have fucked her with a koala's dick"! 1255 01:23:05,662 --> 01:23:06,963 "Fuck off"! 1256 01:23:07,532 --> 01:23:11,101 "I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that panda bitch"! 1257 01:23:13,404 --> 01:23:16,708 There's only one animal who can tell you 1258 01:23:16,841 --> 01:23:18,609 if she's happy and wants to mate. 1259 01:23:19,010 --> 01:23:21,345 That is Coco, the silverback gorilla. 1260 01:23:21,413 --> 01:23:24,180 She saw me, the blue eyed simian. 1261 01:23:25,117 --> 01:23:26,650 She was intrigued. 1262 01:23:27,118 --> 01:23:29,453 She said to her trainer... 1263 01:23:29,487 --> 01:23:31,688 - What does that mean? - She wants you to tickle her. 1264 01:23:31,722 --> 01:23:32,722 OK, I tickle her... 1265 01:23:34,224 --> 01:23:36,393 Then she goes... 1266 01:23:36,425 --> 01:23:39,030 - What does that mean? - She wants you to lift your shirt. 1267 01:23:40,531 --> 01:23:44,900 I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples. 1268 01:23:45,837 --> 01:23:49,072 And when an 800 pound gorilla's got you by the tits... 1269 01:23:49,573 --> 01:23:51,541 you listen! 1270 01:23:51,742 --> 01:23:55,412 Then my balls went, "Somebody wants to play". 1271 01:23:56,613 --> 01:23:59,381 - Should we go to phase two? - No! Do not go to phase two! 1272 01:24:01,985 --> 01:24:06,022 "I repeat! Do not go to lift off"! 1273 01:24:06,624 --> 01:24:09,525 "This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the thumbs". 1274 01:24:09,658 --> 01:24:11,392 "This is not a human"! 1275 01:24:12,061 --> 01:24:13,865 "Do not go to phase two"! 1276 01:24:14,196 --> 01:24:15,999 "Warning! Warning"! 1277 01:24:16,531 --> 01:24:18,931 She must've sense something, cause she grabs me by the hand, 1278 01:24:19,034 --> 01:24:21,605 takes me in the back. Daktari meets Deliverance. 1279 01:24:21,970 --> 01:24:25,308 I'm expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, 1280 01:24:25,441 --> 01:24:30,346 "Oh, cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out"! 1281 01:24:31,246 --> 01:24:35,049 "Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger"! 1282 01:24:35,683 --> 01:24:40,890 "This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock's cloette". 1283 01:24:42,092 --> 01:24:45,860 But part of me went, "Could be fun"! 1284 01:24:47,662 --> 01:24:50,000 Make a great story for a bar. 1285 01:24:50,699 --> 01:24:53,301 A guy's going "I had a wild night in Vegas". 1286 01:24:53,802 --> 01:24:56,371 "Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla". 1287 01:24:58,541 --> 01:24:59,875 "Where's everybody going"? 1288 01:25:02,678 --> 01:25:07,449 And you don't want that late night phone call, "Hello"? 1289 01:25:08,918 --> 01:25:11,286 "Don't call me"! 1290 01:25:12,988 --> 01:25:14,956 Maybe it's because I'm 50. 1291 01:25:15,090 --> 01:25:18,260 When you hit 50, the old machinery doesn't work so well. 1292 01:25:18,327 --> 01:25:22,464 You be at a public rest room going, "How're you doing? Great game today, huh"? 1293 01:25:46,321 --> 01:25:49,089 "Oh, boy"! 1294 01:25:49,258 --> 01:25:53,794 What's happened is your prostate is bigger than your ego now. 1295 01:25:54,126 --> 01:25:58,164 When you're in your 40s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old... 1296 01:25:59,166 --> 01:26:00,300 First time is "Oh, my God"! 1297 01:26:00,433 --> 01:26:02,771 "I'm just putting on the glove, Mr. Williams". 1298 01:26:03,338 --> 01:26:05,818 I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor's name. 1299 01:26:05,940 --> 01:26:06,940 Don't do that! 1300 01:26:09,510 --> 01:26:13,179 - Who's Dr. Smith? - You're the only one! 1301 01:26:13,847 --> 01:26:15,950 When a woman has to go to the gynecologist, 1302 01:26:16,083 --> 01:26:18,319 you don't want a doctor who has a hobby. 1303 01:26:18,820 --> 01:26:21,421 You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician. 1304 01:26:22,624 --> 01:26:26,459 You don't want somebody going, "How are we today... Oh, a dove"! 1305 01:26:27,828 --> 01:26:29,863 "Wow, what's this"?! 1306 01:26:33,099 --> 01:26:35,367 "Is this your card"? 1307 01:26:35,537 --> 01:26:40,541 I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and ventriloquist. No! 1308 01:26:41,341 --> 01:26:42,643 "How you're doing today"? 1309 01:26:42,775 --> 01:26:45,546 "Take your hand out of my ass. I'm not a Muppet. Move it"! 1310 01:26:46,746 --> 01:26:52,385 In your 50s it's no longer the... It's the ortho-proctoscope. 1311 01:26:52,417 --> 01:26:54,353 The colonoscopy. That's what W. did. 1312 01:26:54,719 --> 01:26:57,458 It's a video camera on the end of a rodeo rudder. 1313 01:26:58,658 --> 01:27:00,994 And it's going up you! 1314 01:27:01,426 --> 01:27:04,197 Suddenly, you're your own Discovery channel special. 1315 01:27:05,197 --> 01:27:08,433 "Slowly, we're going up Robin's colon". 1316 01:27:09,068 --> 01:27:10,936 "This must be what you see". 1317 01:27:11,204 --> 01:27:16,009 "Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in '85". 1318 01:27:16,275 --> 01:27:20,246 - Is that a polyp? - That's a fart, Mr. Williams. 1319 01:27:20,713 --> 01:27:22,782 They go further up your ass, they blow air. 1320 01:27:23,583 --> 01:27:26,118 Now you're a fucking party favour. 1321 01:27:28,488 --> 01:27:33,624 Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I'm a man. Give me 120 psi! 1322 01:27:34,795 --> 01:27:36,875 You feel like a Pinata, you think little Mexican kids 1323 01:27:36,899 --> 01:27:39,568 are gonna come out and go, "Get the presents"! 1324 01:27:39,764 --> 01:27:43,702 The air is coming this way. The farts are going, "Incoming"! 1325 01:27:44,338 --> 01:27:47,305 "It's not a... No finger! It's the midget! 1326 01:27:47,339 --> 01:27:50,443 "Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command"! 1327 01:27:51,376 --> 01:27:54,075 "Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise"! 1328 01:27:54,076 --> 01:27:59,379 Because the moment they pull that tube out of your ass, you are an Evinrude! 1329 01:28:03,655 --> 01:28:07,925 "Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing"! 1330 01:28:10,693 --> 01:28:13,664 Forty miles, blowing outta you! 1331 01:28:16,936 --> 01:28:19,013 You put on your pants and you're floating 1332 01:28:19,038 --> 01:28:21,263 like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup. 1333 01:28:22,040 --> 01:28:24,142 "Coming about, Jimmy. She's your"! 1334 01:28:25,576 --> 01:28:28,112 And then you realize... "Oh, shit, fire in the hole"! 1335 01:28:29,280 --> 01:28:32,149 "Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here"! 1336 01:28:32,583 --> 01:28:34,218 "Thank you, doctor. See you next week". 1337 01:28:38,657 --> 01:28:40,322 "Hold the elevator"! 1338 01:28:41,227 --> 01:28:42,927 "Fuck you, you bastard"! 1339 01:28:48,766 --> 01:28:49,900 Seven flights of stairs. 1340 01:28:51,235 --> 01:28:54,003 Everybody you pass, you're going "It's me"! 1341 01:28:54,738 --> 01:28:57,641 Dogs look at you like "Roll over, man, you're dead"! 1342 01:28:58,341 --> 01:29:01,178 You just wanna borrow a match. "Give me that"! 1343 01:29:02,045 --> 01:29:03,414 Flaming asshole. 1344 01:29:04,014 --> 01:29:08,818 That's what you are. You're a flaming asshole! You're 50! 1345 01:29:09,752 --> 01:29:12,155 And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, 1346 01:29:12,322 --> 01:29:14,723 to keep all of your organs intact 'til your golden years? No! 1347 01:29:15,958 --> 01:29:17,594 Can they make a drug to give you 1348 01:29:17,727 --> 01:29:20,364 mental clarity to your golden time? No! 1349 01:29:21,465 --> 01:29:25,034 They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra! 1350 01:29:26,667 --> 01:29:29,339 Grandpa can have wood again. 1351 01:29:33,042 --> 01:29:35,077 - I don't need the walker! - I see that! 1352 01:29:36,345 --> 01:29:37,479 And your grandmother's going 1353 01:29:37,614 --> 01:29:39,915 "Shit! I thought the war was over"! 1354 01:29:40,783 --> 01:29:44,453 "Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing"! 1355 01:29:51,429 --> 01:29:55,866 People have died on Viagra. They have to have the open coffin... 1356 01:29:56,734 --> 01:30:00,634 "Oh, dear God, I don't remember Pete being like that". 1357 01:30:01,137 --> 01:30:03,139 "Kids, go get some horse shoes". 1358 01:30:04,441 --> 01:30:06,374 "He would've wanted it that way". 1359 01:30:06,976 --> 01:30:11,546 You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiac. 1360 01:30:11,580 --> 01:30:14,382 Like humming bird eyelash and rhino horn. 1361 01:30:14,950 --> 01:30:17,018 To give you great masculinity. 1362 01:30:17,553 --> 01:30:22,924 But now you're on Viagra. You are back! You are Frankencock! 1363 01:30:23,260 --> 01:30:26,228 You are "the Inseminator"! 1364 01:30:26,395 --> 01:30:28,298 You are ready to go! 1365 01:30:28,430 --> 01:30:33,701 You're gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half! 1366 01:30:34,203 --> 01:30:37,737 Guys are going "Yeah"! Women are going "Uh-uh". 1367 01:30:38,774 --> 01:30:41,843 Cause after the first hour, your wife's going 1368 01:30:41,876 --> 01:30:45,881 "Yay, oh, big daddy..." 1369 01:30:47,648 --> 01:30:49,684 "Listen, I got shit to do, OK"? 1370 01:30:55,323 --> 01:30:56,425 "Hello"? 1371 01:30:57,859 --> 01:31:01,563 "Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, fucking..." 1372 01:31:03,098 --> 01:31:07,502 "I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing"! 1373 01:31:08,337 --> 01:31:09,737 You can't go outside with a hard-on 1374 01:31:09,761 --> 01:31:12,362 cause the cat just waits for you to go... 1375 01:31:13,340 --> 01:31:15,842 And your dog is going, "Wow, you too"?! 1376 01:31:15,942 --> 01:31:16,944 Can't go to work like 1377 01:31:16,978 --> 01:31:19,547 - Hey, Bob! - How're you, Pete? 1378 01:31:19,580 --> 01:31:21,715 "I'm happy to be here today"! 1379 01:31:22,150 --> 01:31:24,385 Direct traffic, no, you can't do shit! 1380 01:31:24,819 --> 01:31:26,419 You have to make it go away. You slap it. 1381 01:31:26,486 --> 01:31:29,190 It's like one of those punch-me clowns. 1382 01:31:31,491 --> 01:31:35,095 "I'm not going anywhere"! 1383 01:31:35,263 --> 01:31:38,433 You have to finish it off. 1384 01:31:38,466 --> 01:31:40,300 In the old days was... 1385 01:31:41,469 --> 01:31:43,538 Now, after an hour and a half, 1386 01:31:43,671 --> 01:31:45,505 you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet. 1387 01:31:45,872 --> 01:31:49,076 So, when you go, it's like... 1388 01:31:49,843 --> 01:31:50,912 Oh, my eyes! 1389 01:31:51,044 --> 01:31:54,580 And your wife goes, "Now you know how it feels, asshole"! 1390 01:31:57,818 --> 01:32:00,219 "Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"! 1391 01:32:00,921 --> 01:32:03,691 "I'm like a Lawn Boy! Get out"! 1392 01:32:03,855 --> 01:32:05,025 "Save yourselves"! 1393 01:32:05,358 --> 01:32:08,661 - Not the drapes! - Too late... I own them now. 1394 01:32:13,466 --> 01:32:15,470 You run out of semen and your testicles are going 1395 01:32:15,602 --> 01:32:17,704 "We still got an erection, chief"! 1396 01:32:18,306 --> 01:32:20,873 "Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid"! 1397 01:32:25,078 --> 01:32:29,515 "Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away"! 1398 01:32:31,551 --> 01:32:34,620 You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing... 1399 01:32:54,373 --> 01:32:56,042 "Don't touch it"! 1400 01:33:02,781 --> 01:33:05,852 "Don't look at it"! 1401 01:33:05,985 --> 01:33:07,920 "Don't even think about it"! 1402 01:33:09,288 --> 01:33:12,392 And then you realize that God, 1403 01:33:12,524 --> 01:33:14,959 gave you a penis and a brain. 1404 01:33:15,126 --> 01:33:19,464 And only enough blood to run one at a time. 1405 01:33:24,501 --> 01:33:27,238 You have lost thoughts from your childhood. 1406 01:33:30,910 --> 01:33:33,111 And then you hear these words from your lady... 1407 01:33:33,243 --> 01:33:35,480 "My turn"! 1408 01:33:38,450 --> 01:33:41,052 "You can't fucking be serious"! 1409 01:33:43,087 --> 01:33:45,457 "Look at me, I'm Goo Boy! What are you doing"? 1410 01:33:47,491 --> 01:33:49,759 "That's right, Corky! It's time to saddle up". 1411 01:33:49,893 --> 01:33:51,729 "We're heading South of the border". 1412 01:33:52,596 --> 01:33:54,230 "You gotta please Missy". 1413 01:33:55,299 --> 01:33:56,867 I have one question for the ladies... 1414 01:33:57,668 --> 01:33:59,336 Do we look like this? 1415 01:34:53,656 --> 01:34:55,759 "Are you almost there"? 1416 01:34:56,493 --> 01:34:59,296 "No, no, no. I will finish"! 1417 01:34:59,996 --> 01:35:02,299 "I love you"! 1418 01:35:03,301 --> 01:35:07,070 "I love you! I will finish". 1419 01:35:08,238 --> 01:35:13,409 "I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue". 1420 01:35:14,011 --> 01:35:15,612 "Who's your daddy"? 1421 01:35:16,578 --> 01:35:18,947 "I love you"! 1422 01:35:19,415 --> 01:35:21,516 "I will finish". 1423 01:35:34,529 --> 01:35:36,598 Good night! 1424 01:36:11,933 --> 01:36:14,035 Thank you! 1425 01:36:19,206 --> 01:36:20,409 Thank you! 1426 01:36:21,876 --> 01:36:22,876 This night for New York! 1427 01:36:25,480 --> 01:36:27,949 What are we gonna do tonight, Marty? 1428 01:36:28,916 --> 01:36:30,351 Good night! 1429 01:36:34,921 --> 01:36:36,656 You're the best! 1430 01:36:38,826 --> 01:36:40,028 We did it! 1431 01:36:46,700 --> 01:36:48,135 My pink lady...